The elves came through

CRAP!

Thats how I feel today, Like Crap!!! I know that most of it is probably related to PMS but not all of it.

Last week stress at work was at an alltime High we have about 150 Physician contracts to get renewed by the end of the year, so everyone was pulled off their projects to work on that, but we really did not seem to know what we were doing, we made the deadline on Friday for most things but not all things. Some of the contracts that did not get done were for a certain speciallty that my boss, the systems general counsel took to work on. If the boss is unable to adhere to a deadline how can he enforce one on us. A few of the agreements I did had a half page of performance criteria so I cut and pasted it to the botton of the renewal and was then told to put it back on 2 seperate pieces of paper. It was so wastefull especially when the rationale was "we have always done it that way in the past". While we were all working on Physician contracts work was continuing to pile up on my desk, I am buried.

On the home front, work has slowed down while we wait for the fire investigator hired by our insunace company tries to figure out if the fire can be blamed on the company that did the inspeciton. They have taken out the kitchen ceiling and it looks like we will have to pay for one of the pipes to be replaced because it is so rusted. They have taken out the upstairs carpet. I guess they will give me an allowace to pick out new carpet. It still smells like smoke in the house. I did 15 loads of laundry at the laundramat over the weekend and I am still not done. I did manage to dig out our Christmas stockings so we will have something of our own. I also brought over all the presents to get wrapped.

Sunday while Bella was at religion class Scott and I went to Target but they did not have the Barbie Camper or the CD Bella wants. We missed the birthday in a box assembly because I could not find the schedule.

Friday night we did have fun as we went to the White Pines Dinner theater production of Scrooge the comedy. The food was good, one of the entrees was beef stroganoff so Bella had plain noodles and fruit. The play was good. There were only 2 actors-one played charles Dickens and the other played Scrooge. All other parts were played by people chosen from the audience. It was really fun.

It is already becoming old living with Scott's mom and her husband. I hope I can last.

Obese girl out

FIRE!!!!

At 11:55 PM on Thursday December 3rd, my husband called 911 because our house was on fire. Bella and I were sleeping but we were awakened by the smoke alarm an abundance of smoke. 4 squad cars and 2 fire trucks and 2 hours later the fire was out and we are in need of a new wall on two levels of our house. The good news-we are all safe (3 people, 1 dog and 1 cat) We did loose track of Isis for a couple of days but as we expected she was safe and sound and hiding out in our basement. Needless to say this will not be the Christmas we envisioned. We are staying at Scott's mom's house for now. We are back at work and school and the fire restoration folks are at work. Today the insurance adjuster was there and they packed up our belongings. I will stop back at the house on my way home tonight. Our newly decorated Christmas Tree took a dive and many of the glass balls were broken. We have a lot of laundry to do and to make matters worse our toilet tank cracked and flooded the upstairs bathroom, ruined the kitchen ceiling and water was dripping all the way to the basement.

Again we are all fine, although it really put a wrench into my exercise schedule.

Obese girl out.

Whats new?

Well I have not written in a week or so. I have been busy. I took the day before Thanksgiving and the Friday after off so I was home.

The good news is that I am still exercising daily and I have not missed a day since 11/9/09. The bad news is that I still do not have control of my eating and it shows on the scale which has basically not budged at all.

I was pretty busy on my time off. I did a lot of housework-worked in the basement which is still far from being clean-we sure have a lot of junk. I still have some Christmas projects to complete mainly my bowl painting and picture frame painting. I do have the majority of my Christmas shopping done. I need to get some stuff wrapped so I can take it to cookie day this weekend.

I went out shopping at 6:00 am on black Friday and got lots of stuff on sale including a cricuit machine for me.

Our Thanksgiving was nice. We watched the parade in the morning and then went to Donna and Carl's for lunch I took scalloped corn, salad and snacks. I did have a small breakdown when talking to Scott's aunt but I feel I am always just on the verge of having an all out breakdown most of the time and it has not been helped by my daughter telling me "I ruined her life" I am overwhelmed by work and home and being a parent and getting ready for the holidays as well as being depressed about how heavy I have gotten and then not feeling as if I have anyone to vent too. It is hard, but I am getting by the best i can.

Last Saturday we went to North Freedon, WI to ride the Santa Train. Donna and Carl went too. You would think I would have learned my lesson last year but I didn't. Nothing and I mean absolutely NOTHING can just be fun with my family. I am so tired of the whining, crying, complaining and lack of appreciation that I want to SCREAM. I made chicken and dumplings in my crock pot so we all had supper together in the evening.

We recently bought a new TV-42" plasma (How is it that we went to the store to buy a $800 TV and our receipt from Best Buy says we spent $1,600?) we also had to get a new TV stand which is being delivered on Monday. Scott has been messing with the TV however instead of doing what I think he should be. So what if you can't get the VCR to tape and you have to miss a day of "Days of our Lives" Is the world really going to come to an end???? His priorities are screwed up if you ask me.

Scott has a birthday next week which is why we bought a TV, it is suppose to be his birthday and Christmas gift together. I made reservations for Scrooge at the White Pines Dinner Theater for Friday the 11th, but I am sure Scott and Bella will not enjoy that and will be again full of complaints punctuated with whining!!!

Being me these days is exhausting!

Obese girl out

Off to Poland, 11days and counting & Cramps

Well 6 years ago today we were off to Poland to get Bella a Visa so we could go home. While in Poland we had to take her for a physical. We car pooled with the Massmans and the Dr. was quite old as was her manual typewritter. We ate dinner witht he Massmans in the hotel restraunt and we went to the US embassy to get a passport. We also went to an internet cafe and I went to the air france office and had Bella's name put on her ticket home. I plan on posting pictures of our homecoming this week too.

I have worked out 11 days in a row. I did change from taebo to step aerobics, but the scale said I gained a pound yesterday.

My TOM started a couple of days ago and I feel like crap! I have such a painful cramp in my side that I considered calling in sick to work today, but I knew I had a meeting scheduled for today that I needed to attend, plus I would not feel better at home either. I took some advil and it didn't seem to help. I am guessing I will be feeling better tomorrow and them my meeting was changed to December 2.

Yesterday the fireplace guy was at our house and he finished installing the pilot light so we had a fire last night.

Bella had girl scouts but Scott volunteered to drop her off and pick her up. I went to bed early.

Obese girl out

Gotcha Day

Yesterday was Isabella's gotcha day. It is hard to believe 6 years have gone by so quickly. The first picture above was gotcha day 2004- one year after we picked Isabella up from the orphanage. We were on vacation in Florida. The second photo was taken as we left the orphanage with Bella on 11/15/2003. I so wanted us to get a picture of us all together yesterday but we didn't. I took Bella to religion class and then we went to church and out to lunch at Chilis. We then came home and did laundry and cleaned the garage. I can now park in the garage and I don;t know when the garage was that clean. Later Scott watched football, fed Bella supper and finished the laundry while I went to Woodman's to do the shopping. I took a bubble bath when I got home and went to bed early.

Since Scott and I went to see the Michael Jackson Movie on Friday, Bella stayed overnight with grandma and we had to pick her up Saturday. We had a pizza lunch with them and then we came home and got ready for a wedding of one of the girls I work with. It was a beautiful ceremony and she looked happy. Food was good to.

I have not worked out 8 days in a row, but the scale still said the same this morning as it did last Monday-bummer. I still plan to continue to work out as I know I need to get my eating under control as well.

Obese girl out

ADOPTION DAY

Six years ago today we went to court in Kiev Ukraine and were declared Isabella's parents. Soon after court we met up with another couple Rod and Valerie who had also been to court that morning. We were all working with the same agency and we were adopting girls from the boyarka baby house. This was the only day that we did not get to see Isabella. It was a Friday and we needed to get some papers done at the city hall in Boyarka and then we needed to get Isabella a new birth certificate which required that we travel to her birth city. It was a long day and we spent a lot of time in the car.The first Photo is of the City hall in Boyarka and the second is of a church in Bila Tserkva.

Bella six years ago

These are all pictures of our Ukrainian princess taken during our one hour daily visit to the baby house. My how our princess has grown. I plan on posting more photos this weekend as we celebrate our 6th Gotcha day.

In other news it is day 5 of TaeBo, it might have seemed a tab bit easier today. However I was unable to fight the potatoe chip craving last night.

Obese girl out

Day 4

Well today is the 4th day in a row I have worked out. I did my 4th TaeBo tape and it obviously takes more than 3 days to get into the grove of these tapes, my intent it to keep going. I am amazed at how much fat I am carring around on my midsection, which I understand is a bad place to carry extra fat for health reasons. Last night I had such a potatoe chip craving!!! But we had no chips and Bella was in bed so I couldn't leave and go get some either. I had a snack pack of microwave popcorn but it really did nothing for the craving. I hear people talk about a sugar fog but I don't think that is my particular problem. I have a "chip fog", I don't know exactly what the attraction is either-fat?, salt? crunchy? I am concerned about the amount of sodium I consume and believe I would be healthier if I cut down.

I was very tired last night as I watched the CMA show. Bella was begging to stay up longer to see Taylor Swift and then Jason Aldeen. We worked on painting our lighthouse picture frames white during TV time.

Today was Mary's last day in our department. She is getting Married on Saturday and Andrea will be back full time on Monday. She liked the little scrapbook that I made for her.

Yesterday they put in a new garage door on my side of the garage and left a mysterious puddle mark on our driveway. Scott and I still need to discuss the window situation.

I am yawning again at work today, just wishing to go home and take a nap, but I have work to do.

Monday while Bella was off from School she was home all day with Scott and when I got home she said "mom I made $23 today" I am trying to figue out what kind of job she had or did that would net her $23 dollars only to find out that she MADE $23 dollars as in engaging in counterfeit money operations-no special printer needed, just paper and markers-who knew?

Bella is also has completed day 2 of her 7 day quest to receive her black boots back after I confiscated them after she left them in the middle of the living room. I am surprised she has done as well as she has at not complaining about what is for dinner.

Thats all for now-Obese girl out

NAP

Well it is one of those days when I could just put my head down and take a nap. It is my own fault I guess as I am the one who stayed up past midnight working on a scrapbooking project and then got up a little befoe 5:00 am to do Taebo-go me, third day in a row. I did a different tape and I don't remember ever doing this particular tape-too many push ups. Tomorrow I will do another different tape and then I will circle back to the first one.

Last night while woring on the scrapbooking project (which I completed by the way) I was watching the biggest loser. In some ways I think the elimintaion should always be just who is below the line and no voting. I am a little sad to see Dan and Shay go but they were certainly big threats to some of the other players. I don't like Liz and I don't like Amanda, so I guess I am rooting for either Rebecca or Danny-not sure about Rudy. It seems as if Shay is doing well at home from her appearance on the Jay Leno show.

Bella once again "forgot" her report card, but her classroom was open when I picked her up from Ycare so I dug it out of her desk. It was very good academically, but she had mostly minuses in the behavioral area, but only one brief comment from the teacher so I am not sure what is going on as she gets the reward "buzz bucks" and the jolly ranchers. I will need to email the teacher to find out more. She has been better at home and i think we have worked out a way for her to earn back her black boots.

We have no big plans for tonight but to watch the CMA awards and I plan on working on painting some light house picture frames I plan on putting on the tree this year. Scott called me a little while ago and said that the garage door people were there, so hopefully they have the garage door fixed and I will be able to get my side cleaned out so I can park in there and none too soon as there was a nice layer of frost on my car windows this morning.

I am trying to watch what I eat a little more these days. I have been having oatmeal for breakfast and leftovers for lunch so at least i am not buying anything.

I have been reading today articles and comments related to Sesame Street turning 40. I can't believe people are asking is Bert and Ernie are gay-they are muppets for goodness sake and who cares if cookie monster lives on a diet of cookies and Elmo's grammer is not the greatest and why can't Sesame street adress topics such as HIV and death. Its a kids show, kids learn from it and are entertained by it and we need to stop looking at the show throught the fuddy duddy eyes of grown ups!

Since I am not getting a nap I guess i had better get back to work.

Obese girl out

This working out is kicking my ass

Well I got up and did taebo again today, but unlike yesterday I am hurting-WHY OH WHY DID I EVER LET MYSELF GET SO OUT OF SHAPE? My plan is to get up and do it again tomorrow. I will watch biggest loser tonight and work on a scrapbook project at the same time. I need to run to target tonight to get a gift card and to Michaels for a new embossing pad.

Scott took some of our recently processed photos to work to show his co-workers. This batch of photos included some from on the waterfront, the apple orchard, the corn maze the mill etc. One of the comments Scott received was that we sure spoil Isabella by taking her all those places. I guess I don't see that as spoiling more as expanding her horizons. I think all those places are a chance to learn and grow and we do those outings as a family. One of the other comments Scott received is poor dog. This was because we made our dog wear a Halloween costume. We did not hurt her by any means, she did not wear it all that long and while she did not like the hat she did not mind the rest of the costume-plus she was cute-Don't you agree?

Lets hope that tonight the cat manages to stay in the house. Last night our black cat got out and ran around our neighborhood for awhile. I was beginning to think she was lost forever but we managed to herd her back in.

Obese girl out

TaeBo

Will miracles never cease? I got up this morning and did a taeBo workout. I have not done one in a long time although there have been times in my past where I did one everyday. I hurt my foot back in August and let that be my excuse for a long time but it has not really bothered me is a while and I did ok this morning. My knees have also been causing me some pain but again they were ok. I am hoping I can do it again tomorrow. I got on the scale this am and weighted 123 pounds. I have never weighted this much. I weigh as much as some of the girls on the biggest loser and they look fat, I have a hard time seeing myself as that fat but I must be.

It was beautiful weather here over the weekend and I did some yard work. I need to clean out my side of the garage but right now the door is broken so I can't park in there if I want to.

Bella and I did do a little shopping over the weekend for birthday presents for her cousins. Yesterday Bella had a brownie troop outing I took her and her friend Angela. Scott's mom and her husband came home from TX and retrieved their dog. We had been watching Marci for the last week, while they were out of town.

This was the weekend of the shopping trip which I did not get to go on, and now the whole idea of getting all the Christmas Presnts bought is overwhelming. One day at a time right.

I got a letter from my girlfriend Lori recently and she seems to have fallen on hard times. I sent off my response letter today.

I got a lot of housework done on Saturday and I called for an estimate on windows. They are coming tomorrow. We will see how much that will cost.

I am planning on getting my eating in control and exercising more to lose some weight-wish me luck

Obese girl out

Metcha Day

Six years ago on the afternoon of November 5th Scott and I were driven out of Kiev to meet a little 14 month old girl at the Boyarka Baby house. We were accompanied by our faciliator Lana, our interpreter Sasha and our driver, Igor. The brick building we entered was chilly and dark, but clean. we waited in the lobby and then were invited upstairs where we traveled down a shadowy hallway to the directors office. We were seated and the director started going over the file for our little girl. Then before you knew what was happening she was brought in. She was wearing a red turtleneck and gold cordoroy overalls. She had the cutest curls? Lana took her and spoke to her in Russian. Then she was handed over to me and I soon after gave her to Scott, she did not cry, but just looked around. They asked us if we had any questions and I asked if she could walk and they said "put her down" so we did and off she toddled. She had her eye on that piece of red string under the directors desk. Our pediatrician had stated that we wanted to look at the child to see if she was proportionate, head not bigger than body or vice versa, our pediatrician said to watch for eye contact and we had that and since she spotted the red ribbon we knew she could see and she responded when spoken to, so we knew she could hear. All too soon they came and took her away. Then we were asked "Do you like her?, do you want her?" We were not allowed to discuss it between us at all and I felt a little like we had just test drove a car and not met the child destined to be our daughter, and our daughter she is, she was then and is now, six years later, how did time go by so quickly? We did not take any photos that first day but here is a picture taken the second day we visited with Bella at the orphanage.

Staff Meeting Day

We have a staff meeting (or at least we are scheduled to) every Monday and every Wednesday so that our interim GC, the privacy officer, the paralegal (that would be me) and the compliance assistant and the Administrative assistant can all get together in the confrence room and discuss what projects are being worked on and what new projects have come in. Since the last GC left and our Compliance Assistant went on Maternity leave we have had some real issues. I hate feeling like I am being the difficult employee or that I can't get along with my co-workers but I guess I can't. Both the Compliance Assistant and the Administrative Assistant are also paralegals but I am the only one who functions in that capacity and frankly I have a lot of responsibilities and I have gotten even more since the GC left including some that are technically "Administrative" I know the AA has had a rough time lately, she is getting a divorce, selling her house etc. but she needs to pull her weight at work. I sometimes just want to get out and find something else.

The fireplace guy came yesterday but needed some additional materials so he is coming back.

Bella is doing well with picking things up and doing better at following directions.

Donna called from Texas yesterday to say they made it ok and things were going well.

Scott is off work today but has a doctors appointment regarding the chest pain he has been having and Bella has brownies tonight.

I went at lunch today and put in my digital print order at walgreens and then went through the drive through at McD. I am eating because of the stressful situation at work yuck!

nothing to really to remember about 6 years ago today as it was a waiting and not knowing kind of day, which means we hung around the apartment, napped, ate, talked, played cards etc until late in the day when we received a call to tell us to be ready the next day to go meet our little one at the orphanage. More on that tomorrow.

Obese girl out

Six Years Ago

Six years ago today Scott and I had our appointment at the adoption center in Kiev Ukraine, where we saw the tiniest little picture of a tiny little girl who was destined to become ours. It is still one of the stranges experiences of my life to sit in a room at a table with a translater and an adoption center worker along with 2 other couples at 2 other tables and look through binders full of page protectors each containing a little information and a little picture of children available for adoption throughout the entire country, boys and girls, siblings, special needs young children and older children all somewhere living in an orphanage with just their basic needs being met and no one to love them and no one for them to call mom or dad. We did not spend hours there like some families, we did not look at picture after picture and feel our hearts break, we got lucky, an orphan girl got lucky and today those lucky people are a family. I wish I had requested her profile and/or profile picture. After deciding to go see this orphan girl at the Boyarka Baby house we exchange money and sent our faciitator and translater off to the world of paperwork to accomplish what needed to be done, while Scott and I marveled at how easy it had really been and help hope in our hearts that the child we had chosen was indeed ours. Isabella, it has been 6 years since we first layed eyes on your beautiful picture. My love for you today in unmeasurable. We are so glad you are ours.

Obese girl out

October is behind us

Well October is behind us. Last Friday we took Bella to "Trunk or Treat" at the hospital it was ok, nothing special. We ran into Scott, Colin and Traci there.

Friday lunch was a big disappointment for me as I did not get a call from anyone in my old department but went down to the cafeteria and Some of the accounting folks were there (not T or J) but they had not called me and did not have enough room at their table so I sat by myself and later a coupld of other ladies I know came and joined me.

On Friday night we took Bella to the movie "where the wild things are" It was a good movie and the Wild things actually looked like the illistrations in the book, buy there were a few things that I am not sure why they did them. For example why did the parents have to be divorced, did that really add to the story?

Saturday I was up early and off to Wisconsin. I was at my dad's house by 9:00 and Shelly showed up right behind me. and then Dave, Nathan and Mark. we washed floors, got Mark's truck loaded with goodwill stuff, pulled up the carpet and pad and yanked out all the nails and staples. It looks a lot better and is ready to go on the market I guess. I was not as stressful as I thought it would be and it is done. About 1:30 we all went to Pizza Hut for a late lunch and then went our seperate ways. I drove straight home and boy were my hands aching. I stopped and got a pizza on the way home at Papa Murphys. When I got home Scott and Bella both had their costumes on and Scott had brought up my bee costume. Scott and Bella had also carved our pumpkins except for the mouth on mine. I completed the carving and we lit our pumkins and took Isabella up our street and down the otherside trick-or-treating and then home to had out candy. Scott's mom and her husband were supose to be coming over but they were cutting down the tree in their front yard and did not get over to our house until late and they ended up eating our leftover pizza. Once they left we got Bella in bed and went ourselves.

On Sunday, Bella had religion class and then we went to Mass and had Arbys for lunch then Scott watched the Bears game and shredded old papers while Bella and I raked the yard. After the game Scott helped me finish the yard and then Scott's mom and her husband came by with the dog as we will be watching their dog for the next week while they are in Houston visiting. We all went out to dinner and then we went to Woodmans to do the food shopping and then home.

It was nice to have it light enough in the morning to get dressed and off to work. We had a potluck today for a belated bosses day.

I have not been exercising or watching what I eat and While I know I should I just feel like I can't.

Obese girl out

Looks can be deceiving

This morning I was surprised at how warm it is outside. It is still dark when we get up in the morning and I think it had rained most of the night and the wind blew as well so that more leaves have fallen and you can hardly tell I raked. It looks dark and dreary and cold but it wasn't cold but rather warm and the forcast is for drier weather for the weekend.

last night I finished Bella's bat costume and I think it turned out really cute. I did not finish Scott's costume or get my milk jug skeleton done and tonight we are going to trunk or treat at the hospital and then we have to carve our pumpkins and I have to pack the care with cleaning and repair supplies to head to Dville tomorrow morning.

Last night I went to let the dog out and it was raining so she was hesitating at the open door and while she was doing that the cat streaked out the door. In the rain and darkness I could not find our black cat, nor could I find a working flash light. Now the dog decides to go out in the rain and I am out there in the rain calling ISIS, Here kitty, Kitty like a lunatic and Bella is in the house bawling her head off because we have lost the cat. I finally went in and left the front door to the porch open and thankfully she came back, and she was drier than either the dog or myself so I don't know where she had been hiding.

Back at work today. I guess our AA is driving our other paralegal nuts too! oh and they canceled the bosses day potluck we had scheduled for today and rescheduled it for Monday but left me off the email-great!

Here is hoping that you all have a great Halloween weekend.

obese girl out.

Better Day

Today I am feeling better then I did yesterday. I am not sure where all tha emotion and pain came from. I know we are in between my mom's funeral and the date we did the inurnment and I have been dreaming a lot about my mom. In one dream only Sonya and I could see her and no one else could but she did not want to see me only Sonya. Maybe I am all emotional because I will be heading to Dville early Saturday morning so I can help do more cleaning at my dad's house so the house can go on the market. I am doing it because I feel I should not because I want to. I guess they do not think the house is worth as much as we thought it might be but these are tough economic times. My plan is to be there by 9:00 am and to leave by 2:30 pm so I can be home for trick or treating. I had planned on having Saturday to do a few things too, like carving our pumpkins but now we will have to do that Friday night.

Last night I was out raking leave until almost 7 and the munchkin was being her usual unrully bratty self. She did seem to get a handle on her behavior for the last hour before bed.

After getting Bella in the tub I vaccumed the upstairs and the steps and emptied the dish washer and while I had a lot more stuff to do I was tired and went to bed, of course that means I have a lot more to do tonight, and Sunday will have to be busy as well with cleaning the basement and I still cannot get my car into the garage.

While I often feel friendless these days but I know I am still blessed by a husband and child who love me and some friends that have been there for me for a long time.

better today, certainly less tears.

Obese girl out

Where oh where

If anyone our there reads this you may be wondering where I have been. Well I have been living day to day the best I can and honestly the best I can is not very good these days. I have been having issues at work with a co-worker that have me upset and when I am upset I tend to eat. Yesterday I ate an entire bag of potato chips (1,600 calories).

For years now I have been taking a shopping trip with 3 of my other siblings. It has always worked out great, we get a lot of shopping done and we get it done well before Christmas and it is always good to have your niece or nephew's mom there to bounce gift idea off of, as well as sizing color preference etc. This year we scheduled it for the first weekend in November. My husband has to work but I thought my mother-in-law could watch Bella, well now it seems that Donna is going to Houston to visit the new baby and with the loss of so many friends lately I don't have anyone to ask. I sent an email yesterday stating that I did not think I would be able to go. In some ways I am disappointed because I do have a lot of shoppint to get out of the way (2 nieces and 4 nephews on my side and 4 nieces on Scott's side, plus Bella, Scott and his mom, brother and SIL.) And in the past we have always had a nice time visiting, going out to eat etc. In some ways I am relieved not to be going. Since my mom's death things have changed in my relationship with some of my siblings and they have deteriorated even more since my niece's wedding and then my dad passing. I am for the most part unsure of who of my siblings I can trust. How many of my siblings believe as my dad did that Bella is not a "real" grandchild (or niece as the case may be)? Who of my family is telling Michael's wife that I "don't like her". How many believe it was right to leave Bella's name off my dads obituary? Why are people so sure they have the "real" gist of the conversation I had with my dad about my mom's obituary.

I said then and I still stand by the fact that my mom and subsequently my dad's obituary should have read 3 great grand children or alternatively 3 great grand children and 4 step great grand children and that my daughter should have been listed as a grandchild. Instead they listed 7 great grand children and left Bella off because she is not "real" well than how in the hell are Teri's 4 kids from her previous marriage great grand children? They are not "real" great grand kids are they? Bella is real, no I did not give birth to her and she does not have my DNA but she has our name, we have a court decree and a foreign birth certificate and an Illinois birth certificate that says I am her mother and that is real. I have never said that Michael does not treat Teri's kids as his own, but there last name is not Spink,and he has not adopted them. If he had adopted them I would not have objected to the wording in the obituaries. But my father also told me that if he adopted them it would be the same as for me and I can tell you it would not be the same. Wanting a child and being willing to jump through hoops to get one is not the same as adopting your spouse's children from her previous marriage because it makes things easier or it is the "right thing to do". And in the end my dad told me that adoption doesn't make Bella a "real" grandchild so it would not make them "real" great grand kids either. In retrospect I have a couple of things that I wish would have happened. First I wish my parents would have owned up to the fact that they did not see Bella as the same as the other grandkids years ago, so I could have cut off all ties with them years ago and avoided some of this mess. Second I wish that my siblings would have had enough respect for me to ask me what happened instead of just assuming that what they heard second or third hand was the truth. Finally in retrospect I wish I would have skipped my dads funeral, I did not belong there. I approach every interaction with my family these days with aprehension. I am afraid to run into Teri, for fear she will start in on me again and I might not walk away but really let her have it. I am at a loss to understand how my sister Sonya can be so accepting of Michael and his brood including the twins out of wedlock. Honestly when you struggle to grow your family by either fertility treatments or adoption you gain a whole new appreciation for what a gift a child can be compared to some folks who just pop them out on some irresponsible whim.

We are also planning our annual cookie day in December. Scott is off and it is ok to bring Bella or at least I think it is. Maybe my non-"real" daughter isn't permitted there either. My MIL was advocating for an invitation to go to cookie day. She said she had "so much fun the last time" to me she was a pain in the ass and had the nerve to tell me later that she "was uncomfortable with they way I spoke to my siblings about Scott" Well at the time I thought well too bad, these are the people I am most comfortable with and I will say what I want to them, and it you don't like it well too bad. But now I am leary of saying anything to most of my siblings too. I still believe my sister Shelly is trustworthy, but it really hurts me that I know Sonya and Dave aren't and that I am unsure about Mark and Carol.

What a mess this whole thing is and what a mess I am. I am eating like crap, the scale still says 218, I want to just sleep, I am not enjoying my job as one day they expect too much from me and the next they don't think I am capable of doing anything. I don't like the administrative assistant acting like she is the boss. I am swamped with keeping things organized, writing contracts, reviewing contracts etc and the AA is doing what? answering the phone, keeping the general councils schedule and assigning work to me. She is a paralegal too, can't she do something?

My house is a mess, including the basement and the fire place guy is coming in a week and will need to be able to at least walk down there. I am being a bad mom and yelling a lot, losing my patients etc. Bella's behavior in return is bad. We are constantly at battle about eating, watching tv, playing on the computer, picking up toys and clothes, doing homework, going to bed, playing mean with the dog, etc.

Life just keeps getting better and better.

more from obese girl later

Last day of work this week

Today is my last day of work this week. I have taken tomorrow off to head to hometown, WI. I plan on getting there around noon. I am not sure what I will be doing but I will try to do whatever may be necessary to get ready for Saturday's auction of my parents stuff. I will stay overnight and come home Saturday after everything is done or until I am fed up with the whole business which ever comes first.

Not expecting it to be fun, I am guessing it will be stressful and I will be glad when it is over.

Obese girl out

post

I just finished typing a new post and now it has disappeared. suffice it to say I was down 2 pounds this morning and now weigh 218-still disappointed in myself and still stressed about events to come.

Obese Girl

Scale

Yesterday my scale said something that I never thought it would.

220 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!

My injured foot has kept me from exercising and I am feeling sorry for myself for not being able to exercise because of my foot so I have been eating like a crazy person because that will make me feel better-right?

I would like to say that I cannot believe that I weigh 220 pounds but I do believe and it is not overly surprising to me either.

I cannot continue to eat as much JUNK as I have been and expect the scale to go down.

I am pretty stressed with work and dealing with the distribution of my parents estate but really did I need to eat to get through this. Because I have been eating so much fast food my budget and my pants are both about to burst!

220 pounds!!!!!!! Let's hope I can start getting the scale to go in the other direction.

More from the Obese girl later.

Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!

This past Saturday our baby girl turned 7-wow 7 already! She wanted to go to the beach for her birthday but with my foot hurting so much I just did not feel I could walk on the sand and carry all the stuff and Scott was acting like he was not going to go with us if we did that. Instead we invited her friend Angela over and we put out the kiddie pool and the slip-n-slide and they had fun with those-it was dreadfully hot and humid.

Bella had slept in which had given me time to run to Walmart to get the rest of her birthday presents; a glitter ball, a craft kit, and a Taylor Swift CD. We had pancakes and sausage and she was thrilled to open her gifts which also included a new backpack and some benderoos.

After playing outside in the water we took Bella and Angela to the movie to see “Ice Age-Dawn of the Dinosaurs. We had popcorn and pop and then grandma and Carl came over in the evening and we had cake and Ice Cream. Donna needed to print something from our computer-her’s was not printing and ours is evidently not printing in black ink but we got it to print in blue. While all that was going on we ordered some Chinese food.

Sunday, Bella’s party was scheduled at Dolphin Swim Club. In the morning Bella and I went to the Dollar store to get a few things and then to Logli for cupcakes. Her party had a slow start with just Bella and Angela but then Jackie and her girls showed up and later (after the swimming) the Anderson’s came by. Bella got some new Barbies and she is thrilled. The girls all got a sand pail/shoven, grass skirt. Lei and flower bra as party favors.

I think she had a great birthday. I will try and load some pictures too.

VACATION

VACATION

I was on vacation all last week. This vacation in our annual Spink, Specht, Bohnert, Meyer vacation. We went to Adams-Friendship and stayed at a large rental house with an indoor pool. We had stayed at this same “Hillside Hideaway” in 2000, but with a slightly different mix of people. In 2000 both my parents were with us and they have now since both passed away. Scott only came for a few days because he had to work and we were not married yet and so obviously we did not have a child (maybe that is not so obvious in our family). Never the less Bella was not there. The kids (Sarah, Patrick, Mark, Alan and Stephanie were 9 years younger) and I believe Shelly’s husband Paul was there as well.

It was a nice vacation, less of a drive them some of our destinations, but I did not return very relaxed. Spending 24/7 with Scott and Bella is not relaxing! Those two fight like siblings as do Bella and Alan.

We did do some fun things: flea market, fireworks, boat parade, tubing on the Wisconsin River (Bella went in a canoe), the Circus Museum, Rode bikes (not me, I will get to that below), the Lost Canyon Tour, out to lunch at the Moose Jaw (Yum!) Storybook Gardens & Zoo and finished it all off with breakfast at Paul Bunyan’s in the Dells.

I did not bike because on the day we went tubing I jumped out of the back of the school bus that they used to transport us up river and hurt my foot. I was ok tubing but had a really hard time putting any weight on my foot-it hurt like the dickens! On Monday he Scott took me to the Doctor so I could have an Xray. Nothing was broken but now a week and a half latter it still hurts and I am hobbling along on crutches at least part of the time. I toured the circus museum in a “adult Stroller” and both my husband and daughter were less than stellar at getting me around primarily they would park me places and leave me. I also missed the bike tour and ended up driving the lunch down the trail instead. Scott and Bella biked 13 miles.

Unfortunately being with my sister Sonya was stressful for me. She is kind of a hoyty toyty gall and thinks she is superior to me. She does have great kids and she did give birth to them, she has a husband who does everything (maybe I am a little jealous here), she is thinner than I am, but not by as much as she thinks.

There was some talk about mom and dad and the estate. In lots of ways I don’t care. Why should I?

I guess we will do our annual Christmas shopping trip and cookie day, but there really is not place to have the sledding party anymore and I don’t know if I am up to a family vacation again next year. We will see.

Later.

TODAY

May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Today is a better day. I am busy at work and consentrating better. We will be celebrating this coming Monday with one of my co-workers for her 50th birthday and then next Thursday is the going away party for my boss. I imaginge things will ge even busier for us once the general council is gone and we are on our own, then one of my other co-workers will be going on maternity leave-our department will be down to 3 people as we finish out the year.

Last night I planted my flowers finally and Scott had cleaned out the dog run and power washed the siding. It looks terrific. Today I sent him to Shopko to pick up our computer armoire I kind of wanted to get it last night but that did not happen.

Tonight we are going to family night and Scott's mom is going too! Hopefully this time when she is at our house she will not have anything to criticize but she will probaly find something.

I am still planning on buying paint tomorrow and cleaning and taping so I can get up early and get the sun porch painted on Saturday. Sunday I have a 20% off coupon for Big Lots so I might go get a couple of things there.

Still not word on when our fence is going in. I was hopint to have it up by the time the Houston Meyers visit next week but I don't think that will happen. They should be in Rockford late Sunday we think. Then Bella will play with the kids Monday as that is Grandma day and then We all have plans to be together on Tuesday. We are hoping for nice weather for a lunch picnic at Klehm and then an afternoon Trolly ride ending with a cookout at our house-Thus the rush to paint and Spruce up. Plus I figure if I get everything done now I can really relax the month of August.

Well back to my spreadsheet.

Have a great day!

STILL TIRED

We had a very busy weekend of Cleaning in preparation for our annual cookout that was postponed due to my dad's death. The party was fun and relaxing and a nice opportunity to get caught up with our friends. We did think that everyone would be gone early enought for Scott and I to have a date night but some of our friends ended up staying late and we ordered in pizza.

Yesterday in the mail I received a copy of my dad's will. It had a form that I had to sign and send back and my name was miss-spelled. I got a call from my brother last night telling me that I needed to sign the form and send it back. I guess he thought I couldn't read. one of my co-workers said doesn't he know you review legal documents all the time, but I am not sure he does. The will however did not say that my nephews were to get any hunting riffles. Dave just kept saying I am just doing what dad wanted. I am not disputing the fact that dad may indeed have wanted them to have the guns however, Dave stated that that was in the will and it is not. According to the will if dad wanted something specific to go to anyone one individual he would designate that in a seperate signed document but a seperate document does not exist.

Dave also indicated that he did not want the state to take all of the estate. They might simply because of Medicaid repayment related to mom. I was wondering if there was a lein on the house.

I am still just stressed about the whole situtation. I did not sleep well last night. I am just tired.

I think that Dave will basically do what he wants and It doesn't matter what I think, Dad didn't care what I thought so why would Dave.

When preparing for my mom's funeral last fall I was really struck by how different I saw my mom and how my brothers saw my mom. For one thing my SIL stated that my mom was always very accepting, that she had been a part of our family by marriage for a long time but that my mom had always treated her as part of the family. My mom did not even think of me as part of the family. I think one of the saddest parts about my mom's passing was how crystal clear it became that my mom didn't like me as a person nor did she probably love me. How sad is that? How did that happen. I do think that I am a good person for the most part. How is it that I am so different from the rest of my siblings?

I think some parents want things that are better for their children but some parents, like my parents wanted things for their kids to be like they were for them. I think that is why David has been so acceptable to them. He did what they did got a girl pregnant before they were married, Married her-because it was the "right thing to do", stayed in the area, worked hard, payed the bills but never got ahead. That is not what I wanted for my life. I lived more responsible, I planned more. Maybe I would have been more acceptable if I had married Michael, the thing is Michael did not love me. I think my parents were in a rather love less marriage why would I want that for myself?

One of the things that came out during discussions after my dad's funeral was the fact that when we lived on the farm. I had my own room, at the top of the stairs and the other three girls had to share a room and on the surface that does not seem fair. Wouldn't it be more logical to have two girls in each room? I can tell you why it was the way it was! It is a lot easier to sexually abuse your daughter when she is in a room by herself and at the top of the stairs where you could probably slip in and out without anyone seeing you. People who know this about my past wonder if my mom knew this was happening and you know what?-She did. I think it is part of the reason she did not particularly like me because her husband was choosing me for sex. Just writing and thinking about all this makes my head hurt. If my siblings think that I was the lucky one becauseI had my own room they are wrong, wrong, wrong!

Father Loss

Prince Michael, Paris Michael and Prince Michael,II (blanket) lost their father on 6/25/09 and on 6/28/09 David, Joan, Sonya, Carol, Mark and Shelly lost theirs as well. The death of both men; “the King of Pop” and Rex Spink was sudden and unexpected.

Below is my dad’s obituary.







Spink, Rex A.
April 26, 1936 - June 28, 2009
Dodgeville - Rex A. Spink, age 73, of Dodgeville, died on June 28, 2009 at his home.
He was born April 26, 1936 in rural Dane County, WI to Albert Spink and Helen (Genge) Spink. The family moved to Baraboo, where he spent his youth. Early opportunities brought Rex to Dodgeville. Rex married Myrna Elliot March 4, 1961 in Dubuque, IA. They made there home in Dodgeville and together they raised seven children and celebrated 47 years of marriage. Rex was known as a hard worker and logged many miles while truck driving, most recently for T. Slaney & Sons, from which he retired. In his free time Rex enjoyed hunting, fishing, cheering for the Packers, and telling stories over his “favorite beverage”.
Rex is survived by his children, David (Cheryl) of Blanchardville, Joan (Scott) Meyer of Loves Park, IL, Sonya (Paul) Specht of Glenview, IL, Carol of Athens, AL, Mark of Fitchburg and Michele (Paul) Bohnert of Appleton; ten grandchildren; Michael (Teri) Spink, Heather (Steven) Jorenby, and Nathan Spink; Sarah, Patrick, and Mark Specht; Terrence Spink; Stephanie and Alan Bohnert; seven great grandchildren; a sister, Norma Stein of Belvidere, IL and two brothers, Harold Spink of Baraboo and Bernie Spink of Rio. He was preceded in death by his wife, Myrna, in Oct. 2008, his youngest son, Terry, his parents and his brothers, Homer and Dale.
A Memorial Service will be held at 11:00 a.m. on Friday, July 3, 2009 at the GORGEN-McGINLEY & AYERS FUNERAL HOME in Dodgeville. Rev. Rom A. Pegram will officiate. Inurnment will be held in East Side Cemetery. Friends may call from 9:00 a.m. until time of services on Friday at the funeral home.

It was only a few months ago that my mom passed away. Her obituary is below.





Spink, Myrna E.
March 3, 1940-October 14, 2008

Myrna E. Spink, age 68, of Dodgeville, passed away on Tuesday, Oct. 14, 2008, at Bloomfield Manor in rural Dodgeville. Myrna is survived by her husband, Rex; her children, David (Cheryl) Spink of Blanchardville, Joan (Scott) Meyer, of Loves Park, Ill., Sonya (Paul) Specht of Glenview, Ill., Carol Spink of Athens, Ala., Mark Spink of Fitchburg, and Michele (Paul) Bohnert of Appleton; her grandchildren, Michael (Teri) Spink, Heather Spink (Steven Jorenby), Nathan Spink, Sarah, Patrick and Mark Specht, Terrence Spink, Stephanie and Alan Bohnert and Isabella Meyer; seven great-grandchildren; her three sisters, Ardith Hanold, Marcilee Fry, and Cleone Miller; other relatives and friends. She was preceded in death by her son, Terry; and three brothers, Acie, Kennard, and Maynard Elliott. Funeral services will be held at 11 a.m. on Friday, Oct. 17, 2008, at the GORGEN-McGINLEY and AYERS FUNERAL HOME in Dodgeville. The Rev. Rom A. Pegram of Dodgeville United Methodist Church will officiate. Inurnment will be held at a later date in East Side Cemetery. Friends may call from 4 p.m. until 8 p.m. on Thursday and from 10 a.m. until the time of services on Friday at the funeral home.
Gorgen-McGinley and Ayers Funeral Home 400 E. Grace St. Dodgeville www.gorgenfh.com

I am now an orphan! My husband was once an orphan, my daughter was once an orphan. They both got new parents, I will not.

My father was 73, my mother 68 and yet for the most part those years were summarized in a single paragraph with an emphasis on who they were related too. I hope in my life I am more than Scott’s wife and Isabella’s mom.

See the poem below:


The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

THIS AND THAT

STATE OF INACTIVITY

I am still is a state of inactivity. I set my alarm, lay out my work out clothes, cue up the vcr at night and then when the alarm goes off. I get up shut it off and either go back to bed or go down stairs and feed the cat, letter her out on the porch and then lay down on the couch. I really feel as if I could just do it one morning I could get some momentum going. I even have a couple of new DVD's to try. It I don't exercise I know I will not lose weight, but I can't seem to motivate myself. It's not just exercise either. I don't want to do anything at home around the house either-like sew those curtains that I have waiting for me. I leave work thinking I could do this and this and this and then I pick up the kid and go home and lose all ability to do really anthing except eat and watch TV. There are times when I think that I just have so much to get done and I am so overwhelmed that I am immobile. I also lack a lot of confidence in myself to accomplish what I need to. I have curtains to make, pictures to hang, software to load plus regular housework. Shopping, planning and a lot of landscaping projects to work on, I am a little frazzled about that too since I am not sure what I am doing or what tools/supplies I need, how long it will take, do I have the skills, fear of starting and not being able to finish. Not wanting the house/yard to be a mess when we have our annual pre-4th of July cookout, stressing about invitations, food and cost of that event. Wanting to finish the scrapbook for Scott for Father's day. and the list goes on and on and on. When I am stressed I eat Potatoe chips!

Bella has been a little pistol behavior wise. This morning she wanted me to come help her in her room to find a long sleeved shirt I dug around in the shirt drawer and found a black long sleeved Tshirt with a heart on the front. She did not want that one. I said "you called me in here to find you a long sleeved shirt, there it is" I left her room to go downstairs she said "don't you dare" I will dare to go downstairs if I want to Sassy pants. She has not been picking stuff up in her room so anything I find on the floor I take, I don't think she has noticed yet. Tommorrow we have a play therapist appointment and then on Friday Bella and I both have dentist appointments. Thursday is typically family night at Ycamp. I don't know if we are going or not.

Out of the blue last Sunday I got a call from LA. She has not called me in over a year. I guess they were driving by and wanted to stop if we were home. We were still at the dance recital. I also thought she was "never coming to my house again" so I don't understand. She really hurt my feelings last year when she said that and I have very little contact with her since then. and it has been what I would call superficial cordial at best. The last time I saw her was at my mom's visitation.

In other news. I spent a couple years in Gabon, Africa as a Peace Corps volunteer and I just found out that the President Omar Bongo died. He had been president for 41 years. It will be interesting to see what happens.

Today the VP of Legal Affairs called us all together to tell us that he was leaving the system to be the General Council at Northwestern. Good for him, sad for us. Andrea, Mariclare and I were all in tears. He is a great attorney and a great boss and all around a nice guy. We will see how our department evolves from here. I also heard that one of the Accounts Payable ladies is leaving as her husband has been transfered to another state for his job.

All this and the day is not yet over, but I could take a naop.

Joan

It's Monday

Once again it is Monday morning. I am at work with a lot of filing ahead of me.

The weekend was good. On Friday after I picked Isabella up from camp, her friend Angela came over and I took them and Lady to McDonalds for Happy Meals and then to the "Castle" park to play. They played a long time and while I was watching them a young mother showed up with her little guy and we were just talking. This young woman told me things about herself that I would never think someone would tell a stranger.

Saturday morning was rainy and Bella had rehersal for her dance recital. We arrived at the auditorium late but she did ok. We then went home and decided to go to the movie. We saw night at the museum. After the movie we did a little shopping and got a new comforter for our bed.

Sunday I went to the store, finished the laundry, ran the dishwasher, made a dessert and put the pot roast in the crock pot. We went to the dance recital and Grandma and Carl met up there. The recital was nice, Bella did great! Even Scott told her that she did well.

After the recital we had dinner together and then Bella went home with Grandma and Carl for the night and then will spend today with her and I will pick her up this evening.

Scott really wanted to go see the new terminator movie so we did. He taped Army wives for me, I will have to watch it tonight.

I did nothing good for my weight loss journey as I had popcorn twice as well as pizza and taco Bell and I did not exercise. I did not get my curtains maid either.

When Bella and I went to the rehersal we left the front door open and when we got home their was a squirrel on our porch. Then this morning when I took Lady out I saw a squirrel in our yard carring a ant stake up the tree. He was up there gnawing away on it. I can't imagine that will be good for a squirrel. I have a weekend of stuff to do coming up so lets hope I find some motivation.

HAPPENINGS AT HOME

Last night I picked up Isabella from Camp Winnebago. When I got there her swim suit was under the table and she was missing a sock. Once in the car, as she was prone to last year, she sprays on some OFF bug spray-In the car!

At home Scott is complaining that the hardware store has all kinds of belts except for the one for our mower and his friend Brad has not called him back. Nothing I can do about either of them. Also complaining because him mom had called and asked when we were getting our trees trimmed or if we had choose a company based on the quotes that we had (no we haven't-I told Scott to "Just make a decision")

While making some fried potatoes for supper I hear some screamin/crying from the kid from upstairs so I fly up there thinking that she has hurt herself only to find out that the reason she was so upset is that Lady chewed up her flip flop-the dog loves her some shoes, usually mine!

After dinner Scott gave Lady a bath. Our dog is halarious when she gets done with a bath because she repeatedly pushes her nose on the ground in big circles. Bella and I think it is very funny. Scott was chiding us for making fun of the dog. Scott does not know what is funny!

This morning Bella and I are ready to leave for camp/work and we go upstairs to say good-bye to Scott who is still in bed and first he yells at Bella for bouncing into the bed and then for something else. I reminded him that this would be the only time all day he would see her and did he want all his interactions with his daughter to be so grumpy. It makes you want to leave the house without saying good-bye. Maybe we will try that tommorrow.

All this crabbyness is getting me down.

Nap Time

Here it is mid afternoon and just like yesterday I am ready for a nap. Again I am not sure why I get so tired. Maybe getting up and exercising in the morning would help me have more energy throughout the day. Once I post this I might cut up an apple and take a quick walk outside to see if I can perk myself up. Sometimes I think this afternoon lull is just boredom. Who knows. I really think I am getting enough sleep, I usually eat a healthy breakfast so i start off well. Maybe I need to drink more water. I don't know for sure but hope I can find an answer.

This morning Bella was in tears because she wanted to wear to camp today the same outfit she wore yesterday and I said no.

Things of Significance

Well it has been weeks since I have written here.

It is almost 2 in the afternoon and I could put my head down on my desk and take a long nap. I find myself feeling really tired a lot lately.

Since our trip to Starved Rock I have:

painted my living room and dining room
went to my nieces wedding
went to the air show
went to the Dane Co. farmers market on the capital square in Madison.

I was very nervous about painting. It is not something I have really done in the past but it turned out ok. I still have to finish the new dining room curtains-using fabric I have had for over a year. I just cannot seem to find the motivation.

My nieces wedding was nice, however there was a incidnet at her reception that left me in tears for hours. I think part of the reason I was so upset is that I said when I left that "you won't be seeing us again" which had me thinking no vacation with my family this summer, no family reunion, I already bought Fathers day cards and wont be able to send them, no cookie day, no shopping trip, no sledding party etc. this had me extremely sad. I guess I have gotten over it, but it definately was not pleasant and evidently I am a B.I.t.c.h!

The air show was good. We all got sunburnt and Bella sat in her nachos.

The farmers market would have been more fun if not for miss crabby pants. She would not listen to me on Saturday morning about her atire and was then cold the whole time. She at almost 7 had to ride in the stroller with the canopy up so communicating with her was impossible. She did seem to enjoy seeing the cows. She would not eat her lunch at Taco Bell and then thankfully fell asleep in the car on the way home.

I don't know why she is so crabby these days but suspect that she is getting it from her father who never seems to be happy about anything, seldom says anything nice or positive and complains about everything!

In the end I am still fat, still ugly, still an awful housekeeper, wife and mother. I have no ambition, no energy and no confidence. How can I get out of this funk?

The two crabbiest people on the planet!

Well I just happen to live with the two crabbiest people on the planet who in turn make me the third most crabby person on the planet. Well as a family who has had a diet too heavy in crabby patties lately-here was our weekend.

Friday night was the end of the school year bash, art fair, ice cream social at Bella's school. After our spagetti supper we headed over to the school with Bella's friend Angela. It was nice to see all the kids art work. I took a couple of pictures of Bella with her art work for scrapbooking later.

Saturday, we had reservations for the Canyons and waterfall tour at Starved Rock State Park. I was up early and and performed my chef duties by making each member of our family a different breakfast. I had oatmeal, Bella had pancakes and I made Scott eggs and hashbrowns. we got on the road after much complaining, consulting, running around, packing, searching for shoes etc. We made it there in plenty of time and went to the visitor center which was a lot of steps-down was not bad, back up was a huffing and puffing feat on my part that had a backgroud phrase from the "Little Engine that Could" -I think I can, I think I can. For someone like myself who loves to be outside in nature I was really kicking myself for letting me get so fat and out of shape. Our tour package included a buffet lunch, most choices not the healthies and honestly when faced with these kinds of choices I make poor ones. The tour was fun-we saw three waterfalls and being outside was wonderful. I think crabby and crabby Jr. had fun too at least until the camera was dropped in the waterfall and ceased working, of course that was my fault.

We drove home and stopped and got a pizza at Pappa Murphy's. Incidently we took Scott's car because my radio is still locked and it looks like we will be paying Saturn too much $$$ to get it unlocked.

While we ate pizza we watched the Tale of Desperaux.

Sunday we were up really early to get on the road to head to WI for my niece and nephews confirmation. The four of us made it in plenty of time (we had to take the puppy with us, because that would have been too long of a time for her to be alone at home without a potty break). The confirmation was nice and my sister made a very nice lunch. we stopped at Taco Bell coming in to town and got supper.

The weekend was not good diet or exercise wise.

Last evening after the munchkin was in bed, I paid bills, did the laundry, loaded and ran the dish washer, made a grocery list, swept the floors and read a magazine. I know my husband wanted me to come to bed with him, but I was just not up for it.

tonight I plan on doing the grocery shopping, printing pictures and cleaning. Sounds exciting.

Later,

DREARY

It is a very dreary Friday her in Northern Illinois. I think it is supose to storm tonight, we hope not as it is the end of the year party, ice cream social and art fair at Bella's school. We are hoping for good weather tomorrow as we are going to Starved Rock state park for lunch, hiking and a trolly ride. On Sunday we will head up to Wisconsin for my niece and nephews confirmation.

yesterday was a gorgeous day here and I spent it inside. I was going to do some work outside last evening but Scott had rented a couple of movies so we watched those instead. We saw Hotel for Dogs and The curious case of Benjamin Button.

We still do not have the radio fixed in the Saturn because Saturn is making that difficult.

My husband is off work today and I am a little disappointed that he doesn't seem to be able to accomplish much on his day off. We need to get some tree trimming done but he has not called to get an estimate. We also need our fireplace chimney cleaned and/or inspected but he didn't make that call either. I am currently still planning on painting my dining room and living room next weekend and I really do not expect any help from him. then I want to get a computer desk for the living room but I do not know when i will have time to do that either. Is it any wonder that I often feel overwhelmed?

Have a great weekend.
Joan

Today

This morning I weighed in at 207.5 pounds which is a big improvement over Monday. Honestly I am not doing anything to really lose weight I think it is just getting past a bad period.

Last night after I put Bella to bed I worked in the basement for awhile. It is such a mess down there and I was looking for some braid I bought to put on the bottom of the valances for our bedroom, and I found it. I may get the sewing machine out tonight. It it is nice I should work on the yard some more. I still have weeds to pull along the side and in front I need to rake and clean out the flower bed.

My windshield washer is not working and I thought I was just out of fluid so I asked Scott to check it and he did but it was not empty and it still does not work and neither does the radio. We took the car in this morning. Hopefully they can get it fixed and it won't cost too much.

Scott is not feeling well and may stay home from work I will see when he calls, he thinks he may have a sinus infection.

We have another number to call for tree trimming. I sure would like to get that taken care of.

Well I need to get to work. Later.

Better

I have to say that I am feeling better today and the scale said I weighed 209 pounds which is 1.5 pounds less than yesterday. However my pants still feel too tight and i doubt I will fit into the dress I want to wear to my nieces wedding in a few weeks.

Last night I like many people in America spent 3 hours in front of the TV watching the final of the biggest loser. I have always been a fan of the biggest loser. I was really hoping that Tara would win. I was not a big fan of Helen. I do think she is a little selfish, but then again I think you must be selfish if you want to accomplish a large weight loss goal. I think her changing to Jillian as a trainer was a big plus for her as it was for Mike. I know a lot of people think that Helen looked too thin. Maybe she is. I don't know here hight or BMI or % body fat so what can I say. What I do think is that if it was Jennifer Aniston or Tori Spelling who stepped out at that weight all the tabloids would probably be writing about how fat they were so it is all perspective. As a 46 year old woman I don't think I appreciate that the fact that people consider 48 old.

As for the at home contestants I think that Dan really should have been able to win the whole thing, I am glad he did well. I think that with a longer season we should have seen more weight loss from some of the contestants. I also wish Kristen would have lost more (she is from WI afterall) I think a cheese hat would have been better than that hair do! I know a lot of folks disliked Joelle. I feel/felt sorry for her. It was obvious to me that this person was in a seriously disadvantaged state. Remember she considered taking the $$$ just to get out at one time. I also think that this is a woman who has NEVER had anyone who believed in her and I know how that feels. I think she would have done better on Jillian's team simply because what I think that Jillian gets that Bob doesn't is that people are not just fat but they are fat because of some mental roadblocks that need to be addressed along with the changes to diet and exercise. I really did not like Ron. I think he did not participate or try hard in the challenges. Come on he couldn't do a half marathon but then just a few weeks later he did a full marathon. I really don't believe he did the full marathon. I don't think that Ron will maintain his weight loss because he has not addressed the mental aspects of why he was over weight. I hope his son Max is able to make progress with Mike as his role model.

Now all the shows I usually watch are done for the season and hopefully I can do more for my own weight loss story.

OFF

That is all I can say at this point is that I am off. I am off the diet-the scale said 210.5 this morning this is crazy!

I am off emotionally too. Being motherless for mother's day affected me more than I thought it would. My husband who always gets me flowers didn't. My darling daughter, after I told her that the car carts at the Home Depot were too hard to push, told me "then you would be skinny".

I am off physically, having the worst period in a long time. I have been downing asprin and caffine like crazy to no avail. Even took a hot shower and slept with a hot water bottle. My husband, I guess can be forgiven for not getting me flowers since, without me asking, he stopped at Wal-Mart last night on his way home from work and bought me some Midol.

I feel fat and bloated and I could put my head down on my desk and take a nap.

Last night I went to the Healthy Woman confrence sponsored by the hospital I work for. The speaker was good, but long. We did get a copy of Dr. Dale Atkins book. I ws just too crampy to really enjoy the confrence and I needed to pick up the kid and dog from grandma's and get them home.

Last week I sent my friend LA a note about meeting me for lunch in Madison last Saturday, she did respond by stating that they were going to the farm. The note came on our Yahoo account, Scott read it, told me about it and then responded to LA that he had given me the message. LA then responded by saying that the message was for Joan only and to be responded to by Joan only. I am not sure what her problem is. She is convinced for some reason that Scott had read emails from her in the past and not told me about them and then deleted them. I know this is not true. Her apparent hatred of my spouse is really ruining our long standing friendship and it makes me extremely sad.

Work is frustrating because people do not give you enough information to do your job and/or hound you for something in a time frame that is impossible to meet.


Blah, Blah, Blay-Yuck, Yuck, Yuck

Joan

Almost Easter

Well it is almost Easter and I am hosting dinner on Sunday at noon. I am pretty excited about this and have been busy practicing my napkin folding.

Bella who had been doing very well at school has come home two days in a row with a red for talking, giggling and getting out of her seat. She has no school tomorrow so I will work a half day and then spend the afternoon with her. We plan to go to Good Friday services at 3:00. Our house is still not as spotless as I would like it to be for Sunday so some work will have to be done there. Hopefully I will get some things done tonight.

Bella wanted to know if I thought the Easter Bunny could bring her the Taylor Swift CD, I actually considered it but no she is not getting it.

Scott took Lady to be groomed yesterday-she had gotten so shaggy! She looks so skinny now.

I weighted myself this morning and I gained a pound. I so need to start exercising. Maybe we can take a walk after dinner tonight.

Later

Signing my name

Today was the closing on the refinancing of our home loan. We went down quite a bit in rate which will save us quite a bit of money in the long run. Our appraisal however was not enought to get the PMI off the loan which is unfortunate considering how many things we have done to the house since we bought it (new roof, updated electical, new water heater, bathroom remodel, new furnace including removing of aesbestos and new duck work, installing central air and new windows.) I should have counted how many times I had to sign my name and one time I even had to sign my maiden name-haven't signed that way in a very long time.

Last night was Bella's last tumbeling class. I will miss the mommy summit every Thursday evening. We are looking forward to spending more time as a family. We are techinically done with swimming now too, but we do have some make up vouchers to use.

I watched the ER finale. It was good.

Yesterday we had a staff meeting and the rumor is that there will be not merit raises for anyone this year. I have my evaluation scheduled for next week.

Tomorrow we will be busy with a visit to the Easter Bunny at our adoption agency and then Bella, Grandma and I are off to see the ballet "Sleeping Beauty" after the ballet we will have some dinner somewhere.

Next week is Easter week. Lady is going to the groomer, which she needs,as she is one shaggy dog! We will probably dye eggs on Saturday and then i am hosting Easter Lunch on Sunday.

I was too tired this morning to get up and exercise. I am disappointed in myself over this.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Yesterday

Yesterday as I said I got up and worked out.

I had oatmeal, raisins & skim milk for breakfast
I had progresso soup, an apple, a string cheese and a yougurt for lunch
In the afternoon I had another string cheese and 1 GS thin mint cookie and a small handfull of trail mix (nuts, raisins and M&Ms.

After work we went to Wal-Mart to get the stuff we bought the night before and left there. Then quick home to put the dog out and for Bella to get ready for ballet. I had to pay the last session fee, order $9 recital tights and I bought her a recital T shirt. On the way home we stopped at the library to look for a tax form I needed which they did not have.

For dinner we had leftover tacos (ground turkey w/seasoning, tortilla, lettuce, tomato, cheese and sour cream.

I had a diet Dr. pepper and a serving of sherbert. Not too bad. I also had some baked wheat crackers and baked cheese crackers. I could have done without these and probably should have. I was not really hungry, I just wanted something salty. It is this kind of snacking that really hurts my weight loss efforts.

I tried to drink more water too and I had a couple of cups of tea throughout the day.

I got a call from the school nurse that some kid at school had pushed Bella and she hurt her side. The nurse said she was ok but wanted us to know. This morning she was complaining that her shoulder hurt.

Bella got a stamp at school yesterday which means she behaved well. She now has two in a row and if she gets 5 in a row she will get her Carrie Underwood CD back. She asked what she would get if she had a whole month of stamps. I said I would give her a big hug. She said that was not enough that she should get a barbie or toy or something. I said I would give her a kiss and a hug and she was not happy with that either. I really don't want to bribe her for good behavior, we really want her to just learn to behave in acceptable fashion at school. A whole month of stamps would be a huge accomplishment however. When I picked Bella up from school I looked in her back pack where she had stuffed her jacket to find a piece of paper stuck to it with glue everywhere. I ended up washing the coat twice to get the glue out.

We called grandma (Donna, Scott's Mom) last night about the ballet on Saturday and she stated that she has Contata practice in the morning and thouht we were going to go out to dinner afterwards. I was thinking of making something at home. We are spending too much money eating out and I have a hard time making healthy choices when we eat out. Bella is also selling cookie dough for a fund raiser and Bella asked grandma about that too. I could hear someone in the background talking so I think that grandma and Carl had company. I think Donna should have said that and then called us back. I think she was a little rude! She did invite us to the Cantata at their church on Sunday. I have no plans to go as we attended services there last year on Mother's day and that is the most uncomfortable I have ever been in church.

I got up and exercised again this morning. and I had my oatmeal, raisins, skim milk and tea for breakfast.

I had to fill the car with gas on the way to work today and then Scott called me right after I got in to talk to me about the closing on the refinancing of our house tomorrow at 8:00.

Advocate is not going to buy the hospital I work at so that is a relief as far as job security goes.

I got the invitation to my nieces wedding today. I will have to get that on the calendar and send back the RSVP card.

Bella has her last gymnastic session tonight and then it is the final of ER. I should find some exercise I can do on nights where I want to sit in front of the TV. Scott plans on making a stir fry for supper. I still need to finish the taxes and make a grocery list.

I know this has been pretty random, but such is my life these days.

April Fools

Wow I did not write in here for the entire month of March.

The status Quo is that I have not gotten any taller and I am probably still overfed. I weighed in this morning at 206. I am still attending WW meetings but not really counting points which probably accounts for why I am not loosing weight.

This morning I got up and did a step aerobics tape-no fooling. It is the first time I have exercised in months. Why have I not been working out? Excuse 1-too lazy, Excuse 2-too cold, Excuse 3-ill, Excuse 4-ill child, and finally Excuse5-I did't want to. I did not want to this morning either but I know that I need to exercise to lose weight. I have been doing WW since August and lost like 14 pounds so far. I really want to get below 200 pounds.

In the month since I wrote on here last. I had a sinus infection that caused me to take two sick days from work and I missed my nephew's confirmation. I am feeling better now but still coughing and blowing my nose. I took some vacation days while Bella was on Spring Break and we went to the Shedd Aquarium and to an indoor water park.

I feel that sping in around the corner and I am looking forward to warmer temps and more hours of daylight.

We continue to see a therapist regarding issues with Bella. I do think we are seeing some improvement. We will be winding down all extracuricular activities here soon so that we have more time to parent.

Work is pretty busy so I had better get back to that.

This morning when I woke Bella up I told her to hurry up as we had overslept and she missed the bus. Then I told her April Fools and she said she did not like that.

Later,
Joan

HI!

I know it has been awhile since I posted here. I am as always busy but not doing so well on my weigh loss journey. I am still going to Weight Watchers meetings and still weighing in but not really counting points or exercising. I am getting close to being under 200 pounds which would make me very happy. I am hoping to get some motivation soon. I need to get back to work but wanted to post something new here for now.

Later

UPDATE

How is it that it is already half way through January and I have accomplished nothing?

I signed up for another session of ww but not sure why as I am not committed to the program.

I have not been exercising and I could give you a whole list of reasons but I won't.

I had another Dr. appointment and my cholesterol was even highter so now I am on Lipitor.

our bathroom re-model is taking forever.

It is COLD here in Illinois.

Problems continue with my child's behavior.

I went to all day scrap and I did not get that much done because I was unorganized and unprepared.

I am eating a lot of potato chips

I spent most of this last weekend cleaning our sun porch and basement, both are disasters. We have too much stuff! I want to just rent a dumpster and fill it up.

I am very busy at work with a couple of projects.

I am frustrated, depressed, obese, lonely, sad and pathetic. I have so much good in my life but I cannot see it at times because it is masked by other emotions.

I have weigh in today and we have a counseling appointment on Friday. I had intended to go to Bella's school and observe this week but with no school today for MLK day and no school Thur and Friday last week, I was not able to arrange days with the teacher. We will see. I believe my husband is a reluctant participant in the counseling and sometimes even in our lives and I do not know what to do about that.

One of my co-workers Husband out of the blue asked her for a divorce and my other co-worker is pregnant with her second child (she had a miscarriage last year.)

My husband thinks we should go to church but when the form for counseling ask if we were religious he said no. I guess I think we are religious. I may not be faithful, but I am not faithless.

We looked at taking a vacation to AZ during spring break but decided we probably could not afford to, we may spend a few days in Milwaukee.

We need a new computer at home or else I will have to do our taxes by hand again as I cannot add turbo tax to our old computer as it does not have enough memory.

I am overwhelmed!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Welcome 2009.

At my last weight watchers meeting I weighed 204.2 pounds. I actually think that is about what I weighed last year on January 1st. It is progress from when I started weight watchers in the fall. While I had hoped to lose more by now I have to admit I have not worked on it as hard as I could. I really have not counted points or exercised the last few weeks, but I will try to do more in January. I think I will sign up for the next session of WW at work too and see how that goes. I really think the best thing I did for myself in 2008 was to go on an anti-depressant. I am really feeling better. I had a hard time getting into Christmas this year. I am not sure why but it all turned out ok in the end.

I spent New Years Eve at home with Scott and Bella, my two favorite people. We made nachos for supper. We watched a few movies, Bella and Lady fell asleep on the couch for a while. Scott's mom called to wish us a happy New Year at 11:00. They were going by eastern time. We made it to midnight. We all had our hats and leis and noise makers and those confetti poppers, which were great fun but made a big mess! We had champaign and then went to bed. New Years day was very uneventful. We slept in, I watched the rose parade on HGTV (I would love to go to this parade sometime). Later Bella went to play at her friend Angela's house and Scott and I went to Menards to look for a medicine cabinet, a towl bar and to look at tile, we also got some more insulation for the garage. We then went out for Gyros and back home. I know it was not real exciting but that was our start to 2009.

Hope you had a good one.