STILL TIRED

We had a very busy weekend of Cleaning in preparation for our annual cookout that was postponed due to my dad's death. The party was fun and relaxing and a nice opportunity to get caught up with our friends. We did think that everyone would be gone early enought for Scott and I to have a date night but some of our friends ended up staying late and we ordered in pizza.

Yesterday in the mail I received a copy of my dad's will. It had a form that I had to sign and send back and my name was miss-spelled. I got a call from my brother last night telling me that I needed to sign the form and send it back. I guess he thought I couldn't read. one of my co-workers said doesn't he know you review legal documents all the time, but I am not sure he does. The will however did not say that my nephews were to get any hunting riffles. Dave just kept saying I am just doing what dad wanted. I am not disputing the fact that dad may indeed have wanted them to have the guns however, Dave stated that that was in the will and it is not. According to the will if dad wanted something specific to go to anyone one individual he would designate that in a seperate signed document but a seperate document does not exist.

Dave also indicated that he did not want the state to take all of the estate. They might simply because of Medicaid repayment related to mom. I was wondering if there was a lein on the house.

I am still just stressed about the whole situtation. I did not sleep well last night. I am just tired.

I think that Dave will basically do what he wants and It doesn't matter what I think, Dad didn't care what I thought so why would Dave.

When preparing for my mom's funeral last fall I was really struck by how different I saw my mom and how my brothers saw my mom. For one thing my SIL stated that my mom was always very accepting, that she had been a part of our family by marriage for a long time but that my mom had always treated her as part of the family. My mom did not even think of me as part of the family. I think one of the saddest parts about my mom's passing was how crystal clear it became that my mom didn't like me as a person nor did she probably love me. How sad is that? How did that happen. I do think that I am a good person for the most part. How is it that I am so different from the rest of my siblings?

I think some parents want things that are better for their children but some parents, like my parents wanted things for their kids to be like they were for them. I think that is why David has been so acceptable to them. He did what they did got a girl pregnant before they were married, Married her-because it was the "right thing to do", stayed in the area, worked hard, payed the bills but never got ahead. That is not what I wanted for my life. I lived more responsible, I planned more. Maybe I would have been more acceptable if I had married Michael, the thing is Michael did not love me. I think my parents were in a rather love less marriage why would I want that for myself?

One of the things that came out during discussions after my dad's funeral was the fact that when we lived on the farm. I had my own room, at the top of the stairs and the other three girls had to share a room and on the surface that does not seem fair. Wouldn't it be more logical to have two girls in each room? I can tell you why it was the way it was! It is a lot easier to sexually abuse your daughter when she is in a room by herself and at the top of the stairs where you could probably slip in and out without anyone seeing you. People who know this about my past wonder if my mom knew this was happening and you know what?-She did. I think it is part of the reason she did not particularly like me because her husband was choosing me for sex. Just writing and thinking about all this makes my head hurt. If my siblings think that I was the lucky one becauseI had my own room they are wrong, wrong, wrong!