JANUARY

Well here it is the last day of January and this is only my fourth post for the month. I have lots to say as always but not ambition to do it. This blog is supposed to chronicle my struggles with the scale and I guess I am not blogging about it because I have pretty much refused to struggle with the scale this month.

I know, I know NEW YEAR, NEW YOU and all that but I am not a New Me I am the same old fat girl I was last year with the same old hand ups, excuses and lack of ambition.

No, I have not ignored my scale this month and in fact I am down to 201 pounds-How I am not sure, but I long to be below 200 pounds!

We have some fitness equipment at the hospital where I work and I cost $15 per month to use it. I thought I would sign up for that and do the treadmill for 30 minutes on my lunch. My work out bag has been sitting under my desk for at least 2 weeks and I have not been down there to even sign up yet.

I have been doing the slim fast shakes for breakfast and lunch and it is going ok except I do eat a regular lunch or a bowl a cereal for breakfast one in awhile. It is not so much that I get hungry it is more that I want to eat something. We will see if I can refocus that effort in February.

I have not been working out with Billy despite the fact that I got the new DVDs I wanted for Christmas. I usually exercise on the sun porch but it has just been too cold! It is hard to roll out of a nice warm bed to exercise in a deep freeze. I could exercise in my basement if I could just clear away some of the Crap! But I am sure not motivated to do that either. I have worked down there some but it is a real mess. I have lots of stuff I don’t know what to do with. I probably should just junk it all.

Ultimately it is not only about the number on the scale for me. I really do not feel well most days and I think it is related to being obese. I have had quite a few problems with heartburn or acid reflux. Both of which my doctor tells me would get better if I lost weight. I did take prilosec OTC for the 2 weeks around the Holidays and it was nice to have that daily problem. Since then it has not been nearly as bad as before.

I also have a cough that has been hanging around for a year or so. My family and friends always comment on it. I think it is much better these days. I know it is better when I have less heart burn. No, it is not bronchitis.

I have a slight incontinence problem as well usually when I sneeze or cough hard. It is really annoying. My husband thinks it is funny-HA –HA. They tell me this too will probably get better if I lost weight.

Additionally I do not know what is up with my period. It is still pretty regular but the cramps and headache that accompany it seem to be getting worse. This whole thing is really annoying, I call my period the “Grand Illusionist” because all my life it comes regularly giving the Illusion that you could get pregnant when in reality we know in my case that is not true. Although it was never definitely determined why we could not conceive their best guess is advanced maternal age which translates to me being Too OLD!

I am tired, or maybe lazy or both. I just do not feel like doing much except watch TV at night. I do get Bella to story time and Swim lessons and I am still doing the grocery shopping and housework etc (please note that my husband does a lot to help me with these things).

Am I stressed? Well maybe a little, work is going pretty well and Scott and I are getting along better, my mother-in-law is in Hawaii for a month, but I am still worried about my daughter’s behavior at school, wondering what I did wrong and what I can do to rectify the situation. I have lost touch with one of my friends and am afraid it will happen to other friends. Our family’s annual sledding party has not happened because we can’t see to set a date and when I spoke to my sister S about it she said none of the proposed dates worked for her family but it “didn’t matter” well it does matter. We started this annual event in 2001 and have had one every year. Part of the reason we started it is that we knew as we all got older and had families of our own we would not always be able to get together at Christmas (and we don’t) we would have this event so we could all be together. So it does matter and S did not even respond to the email that those dates didn’t work I only know because I called her. Last year we had it but my brother D and his family bailed out at the last very rude minute and now S says it doesn’t matter. I want Bella to have memories of this event like all my siblings kids do. Bella is the youngest Grand child my parents have and now that they have Great-grand kids they could care less about Bella and it pisses me off. So while it is normally my job, spouse or MIL that stress me out now it is friends and family and I just can’t deal with the rejection I feel from these sources.

Finally to top it all off I don’t know where I am on my faith journey, in fact I am more sure that the journey has stopped and I don’t know how to start it again or even if I should.

All in all I know the problems I face daily are probably minimal in comparison with what some others deal with, but they sure seem insurmountable to me today.

Here is to a better February and the hope of spring!

Can't cope

Did you ever have one of those days where you felt you just couldn't cope. It is one of those days for me and it is way more than the Packers losing there super Bowl bid by a field goal in overtime.

TWO THINGS

I have a couple of things I wanted to get out.

One: My girlfriend Julie is missing! Our Christmas card to her this year was returned as undeliverable. I then tried her phone number and it was not in service. She use to work at the Lands' End State Street store so I called there and they said she hasn't worked there for a couple of years. What happened to her? This is really bothering me as I feel it is my fault for not keeping in touch. I met Julie when we both worked in the sample room at Lands' End. We hit it off and would go to movies, out to eat shopping etc. She is a divorced, very opinionated, animal lover. She was never one to call you to do anything but usually game to go if you invited her. I enjoyed her company. I don't really think she thought I should marry Scott and not that she did not like him, but that marriage was not for her and therefore it should not be for me. Then I did something even worse I adopted a child. Julie was never overly fond of Kids. She met Bella once. I feel guilty because I think that I should have made more of an effort to stay in touch. I afterall am the one who left Lands' End and moved to another state. I miss my friends in Wisconsin a lot. I do see Lorretta and Pat but not a lot of the other girls I was friends with. I could have called or written more or even visited. I am at a lost on how to track her down-who knew I knew so little about her. I don't know if Anderson is her married or maiden name. Her mom was in a nursing home in Madison, but since Julie quit her job and moved it has me thinking that her mom died, or maybe they moved somewhere together. She had a brother but I can't remember where he lived. I am just frustrated and sad and sure I will never be in touch again.

Two: Scott's sister-in-law Vikki breast feeds their daughter Gabrielle, (she breast fed all 3 girls) Bella knows this, she is observent so last night Bella had her baby doll tucked up under her shirt, telling me she was "giving my baby milk from my boob". She has it right, some babies nurse some babies are bottle fed. I explained to her that she was right but that it was inappropriate to play that way. Also on this subject Bella and I went to the Starving Artist Show this past weekend to look at paintings. They had one painting that was of a woman with one of her breasts exposed. Bella looked at the painting and turned to me and said "Thats inappropriate, right mom" I thought the guy working the show was going to die laughing.

such is my life I am mourning the loss of my missing friend and trying to navigate the waters of motherhood. No wonder I am so tired.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well we are almost to the middle of January already and this is my first post in 2008. I find myself with a lot to say and no time to really write. I did get the new Tae bo workout tapes I wanted for Christmas but due to all the excuses I have ( I won't go into detail) I haven't tried them. I planned to do it this morning but set the alarm for PM insead of AM so I did not get up in time. I did NOT reach my goal of being less than 200 pounds by the end of 2007. I got down to 204.5 which is better than 213.5 which is where I was on October 1st. I have made great strides in keeping my house cleaner the past 2 weeks, as this was another goal for 2008. The hard part is harping on Scott and Bella to pick up after themselves. If we picked up and put away on a continous bases the house is not messy and last Thursday I swept and mopped and vaccumed the whole house top to bottom in about 45 min. I am getting this into a routine. I sure feel better when the house is clean and I feel more motivated to do other things like scrapbook or read or enjoy a bubble bath.

At work the new employee did not show up and when we finally got a hold of her she stated that she sent us a letter saying she was not coming but we never got it. We are back to the drawing board on this and until then the policy project continues to be mine. Yeah!

The best news of course is that the Packers one their playoff game Saturday and Dallas lost which means the Packers need to beat the Giants in Green Bay to make it to the Super Bowl. Go Green Bay!!!