If anyone our there reads this you may be wondering where I have been. Well I have been living day to day the best I can and honestly the best I can is not very good these days. I have been having issues at work with a co-worker that have me upset and when I am upset I tend to eat. Yesterday I ate an entire bag of potato chips (1,600 calories).
For years now I have been taking a shopping trip with 3 of my other siblings. It has always worked out great, we get a lot of shopping done and we get it done well before Christmas and it is always good to have your niece or nephew's mom there to bounce gift idea off of, as well as sizing color preference etc. This year we scheduled it for the first weekend in November. My husband has to work but I thought my mother-in-law could watch Bella, well now it seems that Donna is going to Houston to visit the new baby and with the loss of so many friends lately I don't have anyone to ask. I sent an email yesterday stating that I did not think I would be able to go. In some ways I am disappointed because I do have a lot of shoppint to get out of the way (2 nieces and 4 nephews on my side and 4 nieces on Scott's side, plus Bella, Scott and his mom, brother and SIL.) And in the past we have always had a nice time visiting, going out to eat etc. In some ways I am relieved not to be going. Since my mom's death things have changed in my relationship with some of my siblings and they have deteriorated even more since my niece's wedding and then my dad passing. I am for the most part unsure of who of my siblings I can trust. How many of my siblings believe as my dad did that Bella is not a "real" grandchild (or niece as the case may be)? Who of my family is telling Michael's wife that I "don't like her". How many believe it was right to leave Bella's name off my dads obituary? Why are people so sure they have the "real" gist of the conversation I had with my dad about my mom's obituary.
I said then and I still stand by the fact that my mom and subsequently my dad's obituary should have read 3 great grand children or alternatively 3 great grand children and 4 step great grand children and that my daughter should have been listed as a grandchild. Instead they listed 7 great grand children and left Bella off because she is not "real" well than how in the hell are Teri's 4 kids from her previous marriage great grand children? They are not "real" great grand kids are they? Bella is real, no I did not give birth to her and she does not have my DNA but she has our name, we have a court decree and a foreign birth certificate and an Illinois birth certificate that says I am her mother and that is real. I have never said that Michael does not treat Teri's kids as his own, but there last name is not Spink,and he has not adopted them. If he had adopted them I would not have objected to the wording in the obituaries. But my father also told me that if he adopted them it would be the same as for me and I can tell you it would not be the same. Wanting a child and being willing to jump through hoops to get one is not the same as adopting your spouse's children from her previous marriage because it makes things easier or it is the "right thing to do". And in the end my dad told me that adoption doesn't make Bella a "real" grandchild so it would not make them "real" great grand kids either. In retrospect I have a couple of things that I wish would have happened. First I wish my parents would have owned up to the fact that they did not see Bella as the same as the other grandkids years ago, so I could have cut off all ties with them years ago and avoided some of this mess. Second I wish that my siblings would have had enough respect for me to ask me what happened instead of just assuming that what they heard second or third hand was the truth. Finally in retrospect I wish I would have skipped my dads funeral, I did not belong there. I approach every interaction with my family these days with aprehension. I am afraid to run into Teri, for fear she will start in on me again and I might not walk away but really let her have it. I am at a loss to understand how my sister Sonya can be so accepting of Michael and his brood including the twins out of wedlock. Honestly when you struggle to grow your family by either fertility treatments or adoption you gain a whole new appreciation for what a gift a child can be compared to some folks who just pop them out on some irresponsible whim.
We are also planning our annual cookie day in December. Scott is off and it is ok to bring Bella or at least I think it is. Maybe my non-"real" daughter isn't permitted there either. My MIL was advocating for an invitation to go to cookie day. She said she had "so much fun the last time" to me she was a pain in the ass and had the nerve to tell me later that she "was uncomfortable with they way I spoke to my siblings about Scott" Well at the time I thought well too bad, these are the people I am most comfortable with and I will say what I want to them, and it you don't like it well too bad. But now I am leary of saying anything to most of my siblings too. I still believe my sister Shelly is trustworthy, but it really hurts me that I know Sonya and Dave aren't and that I am unsure about Mark and Carol.
What a mess this whole thing is and what a mess I am. I am eating like crap, the scale still says 218, I want to just sleep, I am not enjoying my job as one day they expect too much from me and the next they don't think I am capable of doing anything. I don't like the administrative assistant acting like she is the boss. I am swamped with keeping things organized, writing contracts, reviewing contracts etc and the AA is doing what? answering the phone, keeping the general councils schedule and assigning work to me. She is a paralegal too, can't she do something?
My house is a mess, including the basement and the fire place guy is coming in a week and will need to be able to at least walk down there. I am being a bad mom and yelling a lot, losing my patients etc. Bella's behavior in return is bad. We are constantly at battle about eating, watching tv, playing on the computer, picking up toys and clothes, doing homework, going to bed, playing mean with the dog, etc.
Life just keeps getting better and better.
more from obese girl later
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