CHRISTMAS

Well Christmas has come and gone. I hope everyone had a Merry one.
We were busy with activities leasding up to Christmas. We took the Santa train one Saturday in Union. It was fun. We also visited the light show at the Rotary Garden which was really beautiful. I went to cookie day at my brother Mark's house and that was fun and we made a lot of cookies. I also went home to my dads to have a Christmas celebration with my family. Our tree was up for over a week before I finaly finished decorating it and it was a mad dash to finish the shopping and wrapping and getting the Christmas letter out but it all got done. We went to Belvidere for Christmas Eve and then had Scott's mom and her husband over Christmas morning and then Christmas dinner at their house. Bella spent Christmas night at grandmas which meant that I got some much needed rest on the 26th as I have been fighting a cold.

I have not been counting points or exercising regularly (I either don't feel well, I'm too tired or the sun porch is just too cold!) I have been going to my WW meetings and I even lost weight last week. We will see how things go today.

Yesterday one of Bella's school friends came over and I too both girls to the Discovery Center for the afternoon. I will be all work this week trying to get my year end stuff taken care of.

No real plans for New Years eve or day, so I will just see what happens.

DECEMBER HAS ARRIVED

We have snow! The kid and the dog are thrilled! It is very pretty this morning with the sun shining on all the snow covered trees.



We had a nice Thanksgiving. Bella and I watched the parade and had our traditional hot chocolate with whip cream and gingerbread cookies. We had our Thanksgiving meal at Scott's Uncle and Aunts house in Belvidere. I got up early and did two step aerobic tapes and a kick boxing tape. I also watched my portions and it must have worked because I was down 2.4 pounds at Monday's weigh in. Yeah me!

On the Friday after Thanksgiving Bella went to work with me. I got a lot of my real estate files reorganized and she was very good at keeping busy.



On Saturday Bella, Donna and I went to see the Nutcracker Ballet. Bella really loved it and it was fun to get dressed up and go to the theater. Donna and Carl had supper with us after the show. On Sunday we went to see "A Christmas Carol" at the Pecatonica Playhouse. It was a good performance. We ended the day by going to the park for the tree lighting ceremony and seeing Santa. We are well on our way to a festive holiday. We are going to the Beloit hospital Movie party this Saturday in the morning and then heading to Madison for Cookie day with my siblings.

Let's hope that with all the holiday activities I am able to continue to lose weight.

WE ARE FAMILY

Five years ago today a Ukrainian Judge delared Scott and I Bella's parents and we became a family of 3. We actually did not get custody of Bella until the 15th because we had so much running around to do getting all the necessary documents in order including a new birth certificate from her birth city, Billa Tserkva. We were so busy on this day 5 years ago that we did not even make it to the orphanage to see Bella that day. I remember being relieved that the day was over and excitied about bringing Bella home to America and to a waiting family. I am trying to hold onto that feeling today as our morning was less than stellar. Happy Gotcha day, Isabella!

5 Years Ago

Five years ago today Scott and I were driven to the Boyarka baby house in Ukraine to meet for the very first time a 15 month old blue eyed beauty that was destined to be our daughter. We were in the Doctors office when someone brought her in. She was wearing a pair of gold colored courdory overalls and a red shirt. She was tiny and I think a little scared. They handed her to me. Since I was taking notes on her medical history I passed her off to Scott. Later they asked if we had any questioned and I asked if she walked and they told us to put her down and away she went after that piece of ribbon under the doctors desk. Our initial meeting was short. They took her back to her groupa and we were asked "Do you like her?" "Do you want her?" obviously we said yes!

Oh how time flies! It have been a very interesting ride this being a mom. I know that sometimes I fail to be the best mom this little Ukrainian orphan could ever have but I also know that she is without a doubt mine and I am hers and together we forge ahead at being the best mother/daughter duo we can be. I have learned so much from my daughter and I hope she has learned much from me as well.

Can I imagine a life without her? yes! Do I ever want to? NO!

Here's to you my little princess on the anniversary of the day we met.

VOICE YOUR CHOICE!

Today as we all know is election day. I have already been to vote at our local library. I asked my husband when he was going to go vote and he said he did not know if he was going to go vote. I am amazed at the number of people who are willing to give up this right. What other rights do we have as Americans are we so willing to give up? The answer is none. There are people all over the world that are longing for the right to elect the leader of their country. My friend J also told me on Sunday that she did not think she would vote because she did not care who wins. How can you not care who will govern our country for the next 4 years? Last weekend when I was home my SIL stated that "this country is just not ready for a black president" Why not? and if not what will it take for us to be ready? (please note that my SIL lives in a very rural part of WI where there are no black people). Lets say you don't think your presidential vote this year matters (Obama/Biden will win in IL after all) Are there not other issues you should be concerned with? Representatives?, Judges, Coroner and the question on whether we need a constitutional convention in IL or the referendum on carrying a concealed weapon in IL. Finally I would like to remember all the women who worked so hard years ago to give me, a woman the right to vote. When we as women choose not to vote doesn't that insult those who worked so hard to get the right for us?

I have bible study tonight so I will miss alot of the earlier coverage, It should be an interesting night.

As always Proud to be an American!

A MELT DOWN, A MIL IN NEED OF HELP AND HALLOWEEN

This morning my princess had a huge melt down because you were suppose to wear purple and gold to school (school colors) and the only thing she had that was gold was a skirt I packed away last weekend in the summer clothes. I informed her that I did not think that she had anything gold or purple but dumped the summer clothes bag out on her bed and went downstairs. The morning schedule at our house is tight and I still had to do her hair, my hair, my makeup and get her breakfast. She comes downstairs in her underpants with a tan skort. I told her she could wear it if she wanted but it was not gold. She really does not have any gold or purple. She ended up wearing a lavender plaid skirt and a lavender shirt. Today at lunch I find out from my friend T that you can buy a Widson Elementry shirt or sweatshirt in the office. Why did I not know this? I will try to get her one next week.

My MIL was in Texas visiting her son and family when my mom died a couple of weeks ago. Needless to say I did not immediately call and tell her my mom died and she is now mad at me about it. I did not tell her because I sometimes feel that she infringes upon my family and I certainly did not want her to take my grief and somehow make it hers. She keeps going back to how we use to be friends but now we are not and no matter how many times I explain what I think and how I feel on the subject she has to somehow make it about her. When I first got married we did do quite a few things together because I did not know anyone in Rockford and she was kind of on her own too. Now I have made friends, I have a child and we are busy so i do not have as much time to spend with her and she has gotten married and we don't feel as obligated to include Scott's mom in everything we do. She made a decison on how to handle her mom's death and I made a decision on how to handle mine. I did not like her decision she does not like mine so be it.

Well today is Halloween. Scott is off work. Trick or Treat is from 5:00 to 8:00 and we plan on all dressing up. Scott as Zorro, Bella as an angel and me as candy corn. And then after making a quick trip up one side of our street and down the other and then we will be home as that is enough candy for her and I don't need any. Then we will hand out candy. I have 70 suckers so I hope that is enough. Then we will have pizza. My mother inlaw has not seen us if 4 weeks so she wants to come over but it is becoming a production. It is questions like "do you really want me to come?", "can Carl come?" "Joan is mad at me still" etc. It is driving us crazy. We will see how it all works out.

We are heading to WI tomorrow for my mom's inurnment.

SEX

Last week Bella's folder from school had a note in it that the teacher had asked me to speak to her about Bella's test. I stopped in the classroom the other night to ask Mrs. Berg about this. She pulled out Bella's reading paper and on the top of the second page where you are suppose to write your name Bella had written SEX. The teacher asked her if she knew what that meant and she said no and the teacher told her that was not a word she should write on her school paper. I asked Bella why she wrote that and she said she did not know. I explained to her that we should only write what the teacher asks us to write on our reading papers. I asked her where she saw this word and she said on TV.

Now to my knowledge this is not a word we have used in front of Bella, nor have we spelled it, heck there isn't even any of that going on at our house at this time. Do I believe she could have seent he word on TV? Yes, afterall this year had quite a bit of advertising for a movie called "SEX IN THE CITY".

Well last night I took Bella to the Immediate care to make sure she did not have strep throat or an ear infection (which she doesn't) and she was watching the receptionist register us on her computer and lo and behold there was that three letter word SEX right there on her computer screen. I then had to explaine that this was used as a question related to patients where they simply want to know if you are a girl or a boy and that this was acceptable. boy this parenting is sometimes very hard!

I do worry about vocabulary sometimes since Bella is on the playground with kids up to 5th grade and in Y-care with kids up to 5th grade and she has older girls (maybe age 11) in her tumbleing class and older cousins. The chance of her picking up some vocabulary that may be inappropriate for a 6 year old is probably pretty high.

Joan

UPDATE

I felt I needed to put an update on here. Since my last post my mom has passed away. We are past the visitation and funeral and my dad called last night to tell me that the burial is scheduled for November 1st at 9:30 am. I would like to say I don't know what I am feeling but that would not be true as I know all of what I am feeling and it is sad and hurtful and disappointed and alone and mad and a million other emotions all at the same time. I will sort them out and I am working on a tribute post for here about my mom.

I do have to say that my co-workers in the Legal suite I work at have been wonderfully supportive as well as generous and kind. I am thankful to work where I do. some of my friends and even my husband have lacked the compassion I felt should have been extended to me at this time. I am answering lots of questions for my daughter and avoiding dealing with my MIL as I feel she wants to steal my grief and make it her own. This is difficult for me as I know how my MIL reacted when her mother died. My friend Pat really stepped up for me as I stayed at her house a couple of nights and then she came to both my mom's visitation and to the funeral.

Unexpected support also arrived from my bible study group who I have only known for 6 weeks.

I attended my WW meeting on Monday and was down 1.8 pounds which is great considering this was not a great diet time and we went to Famous Dave's for supper on the way home from the funeral.

I am back at work and I have a big project to keep me busy.

Last weekend we went to the pumpkin patch to get our pumpkins we were suppose to go with friends but they canceled on us and I have to admit my feelings were hurt. We will probably carve then this coming Monday as that is the last day Scott is off until Halloween.

Bella's first few days back at school were difficult but I am not sure if it was because she is still processing her grandmothers death or if it is because she had been in school only 2 days the previous week. I think she has settled back down.

check back for more soon.

MISSED

I missed my WW meeting yesterday because I was not at work. I was actually in Dodgeville visiting my mom. Last Friday we were told that there would be no more dialysis for my mom because it is not working and her blood pressure drops too much. We are visiting her as much as we can and the nursing home is keeping her comfortable.

I still exercised on Saturday before I went to WI and then this morning and even yesterday I went to the Lands' End Activity center and did a tae chi class for a half hour and then we walked on the track. I was down to 212.5 on our scale this morning.

We will see what the rest of the week brings.

Joan

.2 POUNDS

Well yesterday was really a hectic day for me. Since Bella spent Sunday night at grandmas and she had not school yesterday I at least did not have to deal with her in the morning. I did get up and do Tae Bo. I had a couple of meetings scheduled in the morning. My boss Chris had a plumbing problem at home and didn't come in so I had to host the meetings in my inadequate office with Chris on the speaker phone. Once the meetings were finished I ran to weight watchers and weighed in with a .2 pound loss. I did follow my points and i did exercise every day so I am not sure what happened. We did have pop corn at the movie on Saturday but I would not think that would keep me from losing at all. After the WW meeting I went over to school to meet with Bella's teacher for parent teacher confrence. I talk to her teacher a couple times a week so nothing was really surprising. Then back to work until 4:30 then across town to meet Bella, grandma and Carl for supper at Culvers. I had a grilled chicken Ceasar salad, but did not feel full. After supper we took Bella to swim lessons and I tried to finish my bible study homework-I am stil not done. Then we went to Woodman's to do our groceri shopping. This weekly trip is really starting to cost us a lot more. Then home. I was exhausted but still needed to put away grocheries and get Bella in bed. My house is in need of a good once over but I don't have time. Tonight I have bible study so it probably wont get done tonight either. I got up and exercised again this morning. I did a step aerobic tape that I have not done in a very long time and it was hard.

As part of our WW at work we got free e-tools so I logged in on that today. They gave me 10 activity points for that hour workout when I have only been giving myself 3 extra points. We will see how this week goes.

Last weekend we did go to the fall festival sponsored by the Health System. We had lunch there, went on a hay ride, checked out the helicopter and met Ronald McDonald-so much excitement.

This weekend is the Head of the Rock Regatta so I expect we will do that on Sunday. Saturday is up in the air at this point.

SURGERY

No not for me. Last night when walking home from the library we passed by the home of the women, Karshon, who watched Bella 3 days a week after school last year. We have really only see her to wave for months now. She informed us that today she was scheduled for surgery at 8:00 am in Chicago to have a brain tumor removed. She had really long hair which has been cut and Bella wanted to know what had happened. Karshon has a 6 year old little girl who will be staying with her parents. If your the praying type please lift her up in prayer today. Scott's dad died of brain cancer so the story is all too familiar to him. This is a very sad situation.

Speaking of the library, I left my purse there and did not realize it until we were all the way home. We went back to get it and the librarian that found it said to me (and in not such a nice voice) your cell phone number is wrong, but we left a message at your work. I told her I did not have a cell phone. I checked and they had one number in our home phone number incorrect which might just mean that one of their staff members typed it in wrong and has nothing to do with me. Then this morning I could find my purse but not my keys. After looking all over, including both Scott and I looking in my purse we could not find them. I then took the spare set and went to work late. At work I completely emptied my purse and found the keys! It was very frustrating! & I am not a very pleasant person when I am frustrated like this.

Last night Fred (our handyman) came by and put a sealant on the roof of the sun porch. He also checked out the bathroom where we think we have a leak. I am afraid it is going to cost us on this one. Fred said that the shower could be reinstalled and it we have to pull up the tile than we should pull it all up and that we might want to consider vinyl tile, but I don't really want to do that. We will know more next week when he comes back. Later I was talking to Fred and found out that he had gone to school in Mt. Morris and had Scott's dad as a teacher.

Bella had a good day at school yesterday-Maybe October will be a good month for her. I sure hope so.

Random bits of Information

Hi

Last night my dad called then he called again this morning. My dad rarely calls me. I guess my mom was picked as resident of the month at her nursing home and we all need to plan for a pot luck celebration. I am happy for the recognition for my mom. I guess we will have lunch on the 18th of October. I had tentatively planned a trip to Horicon Marsh for that day and a Pumpkin Patch outing on the 19th. I am trying to reschedule the trip to Horicon. I was thinking I would go next weekend but that is the weekend of the Regatta in Rockford and my sister and her family will be in town as both my niece and my nephew are on their schools rowing teams. The other thing my dad told me was that my niece Heather had her baby on the 28th. I was reminded of how thrilled I was on the day Heather was born. She was my first niece. She is a beautiful girl. I wish she would have gotten married before having a baby. She is planning to marry the baby's father in May of 2009. She will be all of 21 I think. So young and so much life ahead. I also wish she would have stayed in college but alas those are her decisions not mine. The baby girl's name is Katlyn.

I spent a lot of time yesterday beating myself up. The morning started off with Bella complaining about me picking out her outfit for school-"remember I get to pick out my clothes" (funny how today she wore what I picked out for yesterday). So I went down stairs to finish getting myself ready and she has a crying fit because I wont help her. I end up late and as I am leaving she says "another kiss and hug good bye" and I very angrily said "I am late and I already gave you a kiss and hug good bye" Can you say bad mom! I felt bad all day. What if something had happened to me and that is her last memory of me? What if something happened to her and that would be my last interaction with her? It was awful. She had problems staying in her seat at school. Was her poor behavior at school at all related to our exchange in the morning?

I had bible study last night. Scott was home with Bella and extremely happy about the White sox win. He taped the Biggest Loser but did not get the end so I had to log on this morning and find out who went home from the yellow team. Am I the only one out there who is disgusted by the contestents lack of exercise? "We did not know what to do" What a bunch of crap! After a few weeks on the ranch they should have know that they have to move! Do something people! run, walk, do sit ups, push ups, squats, find something to step up and down on, race each other do something! The whole thing was pathetic!

I had cake today for someones birthday-How many points did I blow on that?

3.6 pounds

I weighed in at Weight Watchers yesterday and I lost 3.6 pounds. This is certainly in the right direction. Counting points was not all that hard and I have been exercising every morning. Yesterday I thought I was feeling better overall and even more grounded, but that was a fleeting experienc I guess because 1.) I was unable to complete my bible study homework last night 2.) I yelled at my daughter this morning when she wanted another good bye hug 3.) I think we have a major problem in our downstairs bathroom that I am afraid is going to cost us lots of $$$ 4.) I could not find my name tag this morning 5.) my work computer starts up so slowly that I actually registered as being late this morning but I was not. 6.) I needed to sew the button back on my pants only to discover that the button was actually broken and I will have to get a new one and 7.) I got a red-lined document back with a lot more changes to make.

Scott has changed his schedule again and that means that we need to find daycare for Bella for half the day Friday and half the day Monday and I have to go to Bella's parent teacher confrence on Monday on my lunch.

We did have a good weekend however. Saturday was a beautiful day and Bella and I went to the apple orchards near our home and had a great time. Bella rode the ponies and we had a snack and a hay ride and bought some apples. On Sunday we did our grocery shopping.

Bella had a good day at school yesterday lets hope she has another one today.

COUNTING POINTS & EXERCISE

Last Monday I attended my first weight watchers meeting. I have started counting points. It is somewhat cumbersome. I am doing ok as long as I can find my little calculator (I have temporarily lost it a couple times already). I have also consistently been exercising each morning. This is hard as I have to get up early and deal with the pets but I am doing it. So far I am alternating step aerobics and tae bo. Next week I think I will do the same thing but different tapes, we will see. Knowing I was starting weight watchers on Monday had me thinking about my "Last Supper" over the weekend. Scott and I went to the movie on Friday night and had popcorn. We saw "Ironman" and it was better than I had anticipated. After the movie we went to Dairy Queen and had Ice Cream. Saturday I went to an all day Scrap event and went out to lunch with my friend J to McDonalds so I had chicken and fries. On Sunday I had lunch at Culvers and we had pizza for supper. I believe I weighed in on Monday at 218 pounds! YIKES! By the way I did 14 scrapbook pages of our trip to Washington/canada, I ran out of white paper and adhesive. I kind of wish I could scrapbook all day this Saturday.

On Tuesday I had bible study but Scott taped the Biggest Loser and I watched it when I got home. I was curious about the recipes they made and you can get them on the web site but they do not include the nutritional information. I told Scott that we needed to look at the book "the 21 day Jump Start diet" because we liked some of the recipes in that book. I guess it is ok that the gray team is gone, the NY accent was getting to me. I did not think it was fair that for the gray team and yellow team, who both had a member that could not compete the other member had to keep going could they not have had the gray and yellow go together as a team on the slip'n slide? or made them only go every other time?

I am looking forward to the ER premier tonight and I will be watching Survivor this year, simply because the game in being played out in GABON which was the country I was a Peace Corps Volunteer.

Bella had Monday off from school and she and I both got our hair cut, among a whole host of other things including getting her re-signed up for swim lessons. Our puppy had her first grooming yesterday and she sure looks pretty, but not so much like a puppy any more. The puppy and the cat had so much fun the other night when they got to raising a ruckus and knocked my musical snowglobe off the table and broke it-boy did that make a mess!

Bella is still having some school issues; not staying in her seat, talking, touching, passing notes, pushing. I have spoken to the teacher again to see if we can discern a pattern as to when these behaviors are happening and also asked about how she is in art, music, learning arts (library) and PE gym. The teachers in those areas have not said that they have any problems.

Tomorrow we (Bella, Me, Grandma and Carl) are going to see the Lipizzaner Stallions. I am sure Bella will love it. Saturday if the weather is nice Bella and I might go to the apple orchard, after we get our house work done.

Last night we had a window salesman come over to give us an estimate on replacing the windows in our home and the 2 in the workout garage. We decided to go ahead with the project and lets hope they get them in before it gets too cold.

I guess that is about all for now.

WEIGHT WATCHERS & THE BIGGEST LOSER

WEIGHT WATCHERS

They offer a weight watchers at work program at the health system where I work. I have been reluctant to join because I have felt in the past that it was a waste of money to pay for something I could do myself. Well it turns out I can't do it myself. Last Monday I signed up. The group meets each Monday at noon in one of the meeting rooms off the cafeteria. I am nervous! I am afraid I can't do it. I am afraid my husband won't help me. I am afraid I will surrender to my chip urge. I am afraid I'll miss out on some fun stuff and the list could go on and on. I need to lose weight there is no doubt about it, I want to be successful. I want to be healthier, I want my cholesterol to go down. I want to find clothes that fit. I want to be attractive and sexy. Oh if only I can find the strength to help myself.

THE BIGGEST LOSER

Since I have Bible study on Tuesday nights and Scott works we taped The Biggest Loser premier and I watched it last night. First off I have always loved these shown and nothing makes me more hopeful than when I see female contestents lose weight off their chests. I really hate being this big chested.

A couple of things bother me about this show. Why cant everyone just weigh in wearing a t-shirt? The men take theirs off and the women have to wear those unattractive bra tops. Secondly I hate it when the show shows you a scene and then goes to commercial and when they come back from commercial they back track and show you the scene over again.

I thought the body progression portions with the MD were interesting. I hate to think about what mine might be like. However I am not sure how accurate those might be. I don't really have a favorite team but I did suspect that the green team would be the first to go because they seemed overy confident. I sure hope that Tom and Tom (LT) play the game well and work to get some weight off & for LT to quit smoking. Do they help contestents with smoking cessation?

Yesterday

20 years ago yesterday I swore in as a Peace Corps volunteer on the beach at sunset in Libreville, Gabon. I had been preparing for months for this day, first with weeks of fisheries training in Georgetown, SC then some French & Motorcycle training in Bukavu Zaire and then some additional training in Gabon. If you are like most people you hav no idea where Gabon is, It is on the west coast of Aftica, just below the hump and is bisected by the equator. This year the show survivor show will take place in Gabon so I am sure many more people will learn about the place I spent 2 very influencial years of my life. In actuallity I may have prepared for this day most of my life. My mom still likes to tell people that I use to say when I was little that when I got big I was going to go to Africa & I did. I learned a lot those two years doing "the toughest job you'll ever love". I hope my friends and fish farmers back in Lebamba, Gabon learned something from me.

Today-is September 11th. Today there will be may rememberance in the US on the 7th anniversary of the attach of our country and the loss of so many lives. Today my niece Stephanie will celebrate her 15th birthday. Today our friends the DeAtleys will celebrate their 5th Gotcha day. Time passes quickly.

Last night when we got home I opened the front door wide and the door hit Bellas books which then pushed into my Egyptian vase and knocked it to the floor. It did not break. I would have been heart broken if it had.

Scott and I also had an argument last night in which he told me to leave. Part of me really wants to do just that. I told you I was a bad wife and Bella did not have a good day at school again and she was rude and sassy at grandmas last night therefore proving once again that I am a bad mother.

My brother called me this morning about 6:30 to tell me they had taken my mom to the hospital. She has pneumonia and is on bi-pap. She is in the hospital in Dodgeville. I can go up on Saturday but maybe I should go tomorrow.

Finally I went to Bible Study at Heartland on Tuesday. I have never done a bible study before so this was all a new experience for me. I was nervous. I guess it was ok. It seems a little complicated. We are doing the Beth Moore study of Daniel. I have homework to get to and I have a prayer card for one of the ladies in my group. I have not even looked at it. This will be a challenge for me since I do not believe in prayer.

Why do things have to be so hard? and the worse part is I know it could get worse.

Doctor Update

Yesterday I had to see my new doctor again for a pap and a follow up on my lab results. He had called me with the lab results a week or so ago. My blood glucose was slightly high at 104 they want it under 100. My iron was good, my thyroid was good. My cholesterol however was not good at 228 I guess it is suppose to be under 150. To deal with my persistent cough my doctor put me on a acid reflux med and on Claratin suspecting that either acid reflux or an allergy were responsible for my coughing. I have felt significantly better since starting these meds-little to no coughing, a lot less sneezing, no heartburn and no stuffyness in the morning and as a bonus with the lack of coughing and sneezing I am no longer experiencing the incontinence problem either. My mamogram came back good. My doctor told me that if I wanted to diet and exercise he would not put me on a cholesterol medicine. I really don't want to take more than the 2 pills I take daily already. My doctor wanted me to lose 3 pound between my last visit and yesterday and I did going from 219 to 216. He was happy with that but I certainly wish it was more. I need to go back and have a re-check of my Cholesterol in December which means between now and then I need to exercise and diet and lose more weight. I know I have to do this. They are having a weight watchers at work open house next Monday. I have so put off joining but maybe that is what I need to do to remain accountable. It is a 17 week program and I can pay for it with a payroll deduction. I am thinking about doing it. Scott is not very optomistic about this but in general he is not very supportive or enthusiastic about my efforts. I had wanted to take a yoga class but since it was on the night Bella has tumbeling. I plan on ordering a video. I have also failed to check into using the exercise equipment here at the hospital which I could maybe do on my lunch.

I have been seeing a therapist for awhile now, trying to get a handle on how I have failed my daughter as a mom and how I can help her. School this year is not really going better than it did last year. She is still in trouble for talking, touching and getting out of her seat and failing to use the scissors properly. I have spoken to her teacher about the fact that she is a post institutional child and some of the behaviors may be related to that. Her teacher tells me she is very bright and has a great vocabulary. I do like her teacher and feel that she is willing to work with us. Lately at home we have had issues as well-especially with defiant and sassy behavior. I did run into a Lifelink family over the weekend at the apple orchard and I was discussing the problems we are having with the mom and her thought was that just because these behaviors are "normal" the path by which Bella got there and the path by which other kids get to this so called "normal" are different and therefore the way to handle this behavior also needs to be different. This makes sense to me. This mom also told me that if the therapist I am seeing doesn't believe that Bella's behaviors are adoption related maybe I need a different therapist. Maybe I do because she does not seem to be helping me with some of the other issues I am having either. Lack of motivation to lose weight when I really need it, little help with my situation of feeling like I have no friends and I am not friend worthy and that someone I thought was my closest friend doesn't even want to be friends with me anymore. She does not seem to be helping me with my relationship with my husband-I did not sign on to have to write everything down, or to have the man I love choose to watch TV istead of having sex with me. and I still feel lost spiritually. Sometimes I don't like myself very much. I think I am an awful wife, awful mother, terrible friend, terrible house keeper and not even a good employee sometimes, becaue I am so distracted by everything else going on. This post has obviously gone off track so I am ending it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Yesterday was my 46th birthday. My husband asked me if I was turning 29 again. I am not embarassed to be 46. Is that old? Sometimes I feel that way.

I got up and went to Panera for a bagel and a cup of tea, stopping by McDonalds on the way to get Bella some pancakes. After breakfast we went to see the animals at PetSmart and then to get some paint cards before heading home.

We were just discussing what to do for the day when my sister Sonya called and said they were about 20 min away. They came to town (my sis, and my niece and nephew) and we went to lunch at Firefly which is a restaurant down the street from us. I had heard their commercials on the radio and wanted to try it. We were all disappointed because it took so long to get our food. The food was good but the service wasn't and they were not busy. After that we went to Anderson Gardens. We have obviously been there but my niece and nephew had not. I did have time to share a few photos from our vacation with Sonya as well. After the garden we had ice cream cake and pizza and we had rented a couple of movies-"27 Dresses" and "21" both were good. Scott and Bella gave me cards and CDs-Rascal Flatts, Sugarland & Taylor Swift. They wrapped it in the same tissue and gift bag as Bellas present from Grandma. I am all for re-using things but would have prefered some thought into presentation rather that just using what they could find. It was a good birthday.

The other parts of the long weekend were busy as well. Friday we went shopping and got some new kitchen rugs and some fabric for new curtains. Which means that we did not go to Carl's birthday get-together. I had not wanted to go and we eluded to the fact that we might go to "On the Waterfront". Since Donna and Carl left for their Cruse to Alaska without calling us We are assuming that Donna is mad at us. She probably is, but she should not be. Isn't Carl's birthday for his family to celebrate? Scott was working and believe me he would never go to a function involving my actual family if I could not go so why should I go to stuff on his side of the family without him? plus Carl is not really on his side of the family. I did not go because I did not want to go, I did not want to spend my free time with Carl's kids who I don't like just to make Scott's mom happy. After the Mother's day fiasco, I decided I was not going to these things simply because I felt obligated to go!

Saturday we did not do too much, I did a lot of cleaning and getting rid of all the extra paper we have hanging around. Bella did not feel well in the afternoon, complaining of a hurting tummy and a hurting booty both which got better after a successful trip to the potty. we later went out to get a birthday present and we timed it so that we saw the hot air balloons from "On the waterfront". On Sunday we went to Jennifer and Dans for the cook out and Aidans birthday party. we left early so Scott could get to work. I did more housework and laundry and then Bella and I went to the movie "Kund Fu Panda". That is pretty much the weekend.

I promise that a post about my weight and efforts to loose some is coming soon, although the efforts are not well supported by the fact that they catered in breakfast this morning to celebrate my birthday! I do work with some great people!

A WHOLE LOT GOING ON

It has been awhile since I’ve entered the blog world here, again it is not a situation of nothing to say but more an inability to say it coherently.

Since my last post:

• Bella has turned 6!
• The Olympics have come and gone
• We took a family vacation to Tomahawk WI
• I re-connected with a college friend in Stevens Point
• I have had a full check up with a new doctor
• I have gotten new contacts and glasses
• Bella started first grade
• We celebrated our 8Th wedding Anniversary
• We hosted Bella’s birthday party at the Discovery Center Museum
• We made our annual pilgrimage to Ukraine Fest in Chicago

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY





BELLA TURNS 6, I cannot believe how quickly she has grown. She was very excited for her birthday on 8/8/08. I had an eye appointment in the morning and Scott took Bella to McDonalds for Breakfast. It surprised me because while Bella loves both McDonalds and pancakes, Scott hates to go there. From us Bella got the cash register and the mankala game she has been asking for as well as a Barbie Fishing Pole and a bike for her basket. We had lunch at the Olive Garden with Grandma and Carl. Bella then spent time with them while Scott and I went out and bought a new bike rack for the car so we could take our bikes on vacation. Later we ate Chinese food, watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics and celebrated with cup cakes.



THE OLYMPICS HAVE COME AND GONE

Last year we never turned the TV on in our cabin but this year we watched Olympic coverage. My family has always been into watching the Olympics. How exciting for Michael Phelps! Scott was quite interested in Basketball where I enjoyed the gymnastics and track events. We taped the closing ceremonies but have not watched them yet.





WE TOOK A FAMILY VACATION TO TOMAHAWK, WI

We spent a week on Swamp Lake with my family: my dad, my brother Mark, my sister Sonya and her kids and my sister Shelly and her kids. We had a great time! biking, swimming, fishing, boating, eating, playing games, sitting around the campfire making smores, visiting the zoo, eating at Paul Bunyan's, Playing Mini golf, visiting the Harley plant, going to the tallest point in Wisconsin, eating ice cream and just relaxing in general



I RE-CONNECTED WITH A COLLEGE FRIEND IN STEVENS POINT

I contacted my friend Joe and told him I was going to be in the area and I would like to get together. We stopped in Stevens Point on our way home from vacation. I had not seen Joe in years. He had not met Scott or Bella. We went to lunch and had a nice visit.




I HAD A FULL CHECK UP WITH A NEW DOCTOR

I really like the doctor I saw at North Pointe. He introduced himself, listened to me and ran some labs. I also had my mammogram that day. He has me on a couple of meds one for acid reflux and an allergy medicine to see if that helps the persistant cough I have. He called me with my lab results the other day but I will save that for a post of its own. We also talked about my weight issue more on that later as well.


I GOT NEW GLASSES AND CONTACTS

I did this because I was having a hard time reading. They did change my prescription but I don't think it is still strong enough. I also got a pair of bifocals to wear in the mornings or at night if needed.





BELLA STARTED FIRST GRADE

Our girl is growing up. She started first grade at Windsor Elementary on August 20Th. We are hoping for a great school year.

WE CELEBRATED OUR 8TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

Sorry no picture to share. Bella stayed at the cabins with family while Scott and I went out to dinner at a supper club called Bootleggers. We both had steak, Scott tried a drink called Shark Attack. It was nice to share a meal with just the two of us.

WE HOSTED BELLA'S B-DAY PARTY AT DISCOVERY CENTER

A great chance for her to have some fun with her little friends. It is a great museum and I had no preparations or clean up. Afterwards her friends Katie and Cassie were able to come over to our house to play and have pizza with us. I'll post picture later

WE MADE OUR ANNUAL PILGRIMAGE TO UKRAINE FEST

We have gone every year since we got Bella. We love to go and see the displays and eat Ukrainian food and best of all we meet up with our friends the Deatleys who also have a daughter adopted from the Boyarka baby house in Ukraine. The girls; Bella and Marina are a few months apart in age and our adoptions were a few months apart. It is great to see them each year and see how the girls have grown and changed. Pictures later.

As I said we have been BUSY, BUSY, BUSY.

A WHOLE LOT GOING ON

9 YEARS AGO TODAY

August 7th is "chance day" and 9 years ago today Scott and I met for the first time at the Rotary Gardens in Janesville Wisconsin. I thought it was a nice mid point between Rockford and Dodgeville. We were there for hours just talking and getting to know each other better. still today the Rotary Garden is still one of my favorite places to go.

Scott and I were actually introduced on paper first through a referral from our dating service "The Right One".

The rest of the story as they say is history.

Tommorrow is a big day in our family too, so I will post again.

REJUVENATE

Bell and our new puppy
re·ju·venate (ri jo̵̅o̅′və nāt′) transitive verb -·nat′·ed, -·nat′·ing


to make feel or seem young again; bring back to youthful strength, appearance, etc.
to make seem new or fresh again

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I will be leaving for vacation on Saturday. I am also off work on Friday to celebrate with our Princess as she turns 6. Friday I will also be going to the eye doctor as I have been having some real vision problems as of late.

We will spend a week staying in cabins in Tomahawk, WI with my two sisters and their families and my brother and my dad. My mom use to come on these vacations but is now on Dialysis 4 times a week and is unable to make the trip. We will sleep in, ride bikes, play in the lake and relax around the camp fire in the evenings. I am hoping to do some scrapbooking as well. While we are on vacation Scott and I will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary-I hope it is better than last year. I will hopefully have time to rejuvenate my body and my mind. Once we get back I have a counseling appointment and a physical and mammogram scheduled. Hopefully I will have an answer as to why I am so tired all the time. I am a little afraid of what the answer might be but know I must forge ahead. I know in my head and my heart that I would feel better if I could just lose some weight! I seem to be immobilized on this issue right now. Emotionally I am drained. I feel like an utter failure on all levels: as a mom, as a wife, as a housekeeper, as an employee and as a friend. Some recent incidents with friends are really weighting heavy on my heart. My feelings are hurt! I feel friendless! I am unhappy! I really feel that Happiness is our own responsibility. My weight is my own responsibility and life is about choices. It seems that I have inevitable made some poor choices both health wise in the areas of food and exercise and in friends.

The cheeriest thing I have to say is that on vacation we will be near Stevens Point (where I went to college) and I will hopefully hook up with my friend Joe who I have not seen in a long time. It should be fun to catch up.

Once we get back from vacation we will be gearing up for the start of the School year for Bella. I only hope she has the greatest teacher in the whole world!

PUPPY

This past Saturday we added to our family again with the addition of our new puppy. She is a 2 month old miniature schnauzer-salt and pepper in color and her name is Lady. We picked her out from a litter of five. She is very Cute! We keep her in a cage in the upstairs bathroom at night. She follows the cat around thinking Isis is her playmate. Isis is not quite so interested. Isis however can get up the stairs and Lady can't so Isis likes to lay on the landing where she knows the puppy can see her but can't get to her. We are working on house breaking the puppy-it is slow going at this point. She likes to chew on Isis's toys and eat Isis's food. Isis in retaliation will eat Lady's food. They are quite the pair, but seem to be adjusting to each other OK.

We have our last game of T-Ball this Saturday. At times I have regretted coaching this team but at others I am glad I did. It has been difficult at times as I have quite the band of ragga-muffins. Hopefully they have learned some skills, got a taste of what it is like to be a team and had fun.

Joan

THE SCALE

I got on the scale this morning and now I wish I hadn't. I weighed 216 pounds! I am getting closer and closer to being 100 pounds over my ideal weight. I'll admidt that I have not been exercising. I set my alarm to get up and exercise but every morning I shut if off and lay back down in bed. I have also been eating very poorly. Oh I can come up with lots of excuses as to why I don't eat better but in all honestly they are simply that excuses. I know what good foods are: fruits, vegetables, whole grains and lean meat and low fat dairy. and I do eat a lot of those things but on top of that I have been feeding my chip/fry addiction. I get really upset with myself and that in some ways makes it even worse as I convince myself "Oh what the Hell, you are already fat!", "Have fast food, Have those chips or that ice cream" etc.

I know there is no magic pill but I sure wish there was.

NEW SUIT

Well this past weekend after meeting my sister in brother in Madison for lunch, a tour of Olbrecht and ice cream I went to Shopko to buy Bella some shoes and came home with a new bathing suit for me.

A little history-I have a bathing suit,actually I have 3 and I can still wear them all but they are by no means "NEW" they are all Lands' End suits that I bought when I worked for Lands' End which I have not done since before I got married and I have been married for almost 8 years. While these suits still fit no one and I mean no one would say they look good. A true testiment to the quality of Lands' End suits as they have stretched to accomidate my ever increasing size.

Bella loves the Beach, I love the beach but we seldome go simply because I am protecting the general public from the horror of me in a bathing suit. We will be going on vacation soon, staying at a cabin on a lake so I don't think I want to totally avoid putting on a suit.

The suit I bought was on sale so I bought both pieces for around $25 and yes I said 2 pieces as it is a Tankini. The top is blue floral and the botton solid black with a littel skirt. Definately a modest suit. I like it but not the fact that it is a size larger than any suit I have ever bought in my life. I think this is one of the reasons I put off buying a suit for so long because I was afraid I would have to go up in size. If only I was not undertall and overfed!

By the way I did not get new shoes for Bella as the selection was minimal and Bella was not interested in buying nice practical everyday shoes but tall boots with zippers up the side of sparkaly sandles etc.

WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

Well amoung all the other things I do all the time like cleaning, laundry, work and taking care of my child and husband we went on vacation for a week. We went to Seattle, WA and Victoria Island. We had a great time.

BROKEN

Last night Bella pulled a bag of groceries off the table along with the table cloth, candle holders and the cups and saucers to my hand painted tea set from Greece. The cups survived but the saucers didn't. I was quite upset. I saved all the pieces to put into a stepping stone. Thankfully the Tea pot was not on the table.

I know I have not blogged much lately. I guess I don't feel like putting myself out there right now as I am not doing very well emotionally and as a result of that I am not doing well with the diet either. I am hoping to find a way to turn this around but it hasn't happened yet.

Bella is finishing up her first year of school and will go to camp for the summer. Most of our Seattle vacation is set. My job is good, but a little boring, despite the excitement of having very rare triplets born at our hospital last week. weekends have been ok, the house is relatively clean. We watched the Rockford Marathon run past our house a couple of weekends ago and the parade last Saturday. We have been to the museum for the petting zoo event and to Klehm for a walk. Last weekend we attended a 50th wedding anniversary party for Scott's aunt and uncle. We had Scott's mom and her husband over on Memorial day for a cook out and I planted my window boxes. Not only amy I dealing with some minor physical ailment but I am so pathetic that the only people I had to spend a holiday with is Scott's mom and her husband who I don't like.

NEWS

Happy Friday!

Good News: Bella has has smiley faces all week. Scott took her to story time Monday, I took her to swimming on Tuesday (we went a half hour late because I mixed up the schedule but they still found a class for her) Wednesday night we were home with the kitty and last night we had T-ball pracitice followed by ice cream cones at McDonalds. I hope today is good too.

School is winding down. Bella has field day next Tuesday and the week after that is Portfolio day.

The cat is settleing nicely and Scott and Bella sure enjoy playing with her.

Our new Paralegal announced that she is expecting and Chris and I both told her that meant she had from now until January to get the policy data base up to date. I will have to take it back while she is on maternity. I am happy for her.

They announced this week that the new Survivor will be in Gabon. For those of you who may not know it I did my Peace Corps service in Gabon. So I am pretty excited about this even though I have not been a survivor fan in the past.

Last night was the season finale of ER so now I have no reason to watch TV for awhile. I am pretty excited about the new season of Army Wives even though my husband makes fun of me for watching it.

We have no real plans for the weekend at this point, we will probably take Bella to a movie. and I bought stuff for a picnic. Maybe I will see my niece and sister if they go up to see mom. It is also the weekend of the big flea market at the local fair grounds so I would like to go to that. I will let you know on Monday.

Have a great weekend!

Mother's Day

Hi I hope everyone had a nice Mother's Day. I spent the weekend doing things I felt obligated to do instead of things I really wanted to do.

On Saturday Bella and I got up early and started to WI. We stopped for gas and ran into my friend Dena from work. Then we stopped at the Rotary Gardens in Janesville. As always it was beautiful and peaceful. We were only there about 25 min. I love the Rotary gardens-it is where Scott and I met for the first time.

We got to Dodgeville to visit my mom and my brother Mark showed up too. We took mom to Pizza Hut for lunch we all had pasta and it must have been good because we all cleaned our plates.

After lunch we returned to the nursing home and went to the Mother's day program of musical entertainment and dessert. After that Bella and I headed over to my Friend Pats for a visit. I had not seen her in awhile so it was great catching up. She has lost a bit of weight and looks terrific!

We did not get home until 10:00 and Bella felt the need to play with the cat for an hour before going to bed. She had slept the whole way in the car so she was not as tired as I was.

Mother's day morning was rainy and chilly. I made muffins and opened my cards. We had been invited to church with Scott's mom and her husband as it was Penticost Sunday and they were joining their church. I DID NOT WANT TO GO! I felt we should. We went I was uncomfortable. My plan was to keep Bella in Church with us. She had brought a color book and colors, But grandma asked he if she wanted to go to the nursery to play. This was my decision not hers! So Bella goes with grandma to the nursery and decides she wants to go there. In fact she said "I don't want you" to me on Mother's Day. Thanks a lot grandma. Now I am somewhere I don't want to be in the first place and my daughter does not want me. It gets better, I do not typically go to church on Mother's day because a few years back the priest said that a mother is someone who gives life to their children. Well I did not give life to my daughter therefore I am not a mother. That ticked me off so I avoid church on Mother's day, Well this Luthern minister was not one to disappoint. He said at least 3 times "Happy Mother's Day to Christian Mothers" This is not a Christian holiday and it is Mother's day for non Christian women in America as well. He also indicated that while no one else was sending aid to Myamar the Lutherns were obviously self serving but inaccurate. The service was long and boring. Scott has always told me that part of his problem with Catholic services is he can't follow because part of it was in one book and part was in the same book but in a different part and part was memorized and part was in the hymnal. Well we were in 2 different typed bulletins and a book and some was memorized and I never know what version of the apostles creed they will use. A horrible horrible experience for me. They were giving out flowers and cake I did not want these horrible peoples flowers or cake and now Carl and Donna are part of this horrible group! Heaven help them.

Scott had to work on Sunday so we just got KFC for lunch and then Bella and I came home and Carl and Donna came over to see our cat. Thankfully they did not stay long and then Bella and I went to Culvers for Ice Cream. After I put her to bed I took a long bath.

Last evening I went to the Healty Woman confrence sponsored by my hospital. I sat at a table with some people from work. The place right next to me was empty and the other side of me was a woman who use to work in PR at the hospital but now works at the YWCA. She was up and about most of the evening which left me no one to talk to. The food was pretty good. I did not like the salad dressing. The speaker was good and talked about a balanced life. We all got a copy of her cook book.

On a good note I have done most of my filing at work and finished most of my scanning so I am feeling less overwhelmed and more caught up which is a good thing.

Have a good day.

WHY?

WHY does a thought of a chocolate donut pop into your head during a tae bo workout?

WHY do I pack a healthy lunch but then decide to go out and eat something calorific?

WHY do I set my alarm to get up and exercise and then just turn it off and go back to bed?

WHY has there been a gym bag under my desk for months but I have yet to exercise on my lunch?

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THE ANSWER!

And WHY your at it please tell me why my daughter cannot control her talking at school? And WHY my husband cannot be supportive in any of my endevours to lose weight? And WHY in a world as populated as it is do I feel so friendless? And finally WHY I get so teary when my co-worker who just burried her mother returns to work but yet I can't seem to tell her how sorry I am?

Things just stink right now. Yesterday I slept with my contact in by accident and then felt blurry eyed all day with a headache on top of that. I have the annoying cough that makes me pee my pants. I am tired!

Bella did do better as she had 2 days Monday and Tuesday with all smiles but then yesterday she had only 2 smiles and one frown so Scott told her she could not play with the cat. How do you enforce that? Yesterday Scott bought a couple of cat toys including a fishing pole with a mouse at the end which is providing hours of entertainment for the cat and for Scott and Bella who have never had a cat. Its a whole new world for them. Bella was explaining to me that you need to scoop out the litter box everyday. She is really enjoying having the cat.

Scott is frustrating me to no end. Last night it took me forever to clean up the kitchen because he had made blue berry pancakes and slopped it everywhere and let it dry up so it was a beast to clean up. Then he can't make a decision on what we are going to do on our trip to Seattle.

I guess I am just sad, tired, depressed, obese, disappointed and mad at myself.

On that note I will just get to work.

Good News

Yesterday was an early day for me, meaning I left work at 3:20 so I could get home in time to meet the school bus. Bella got off the bus all smiles and had three smiley faces on her daily note. This is really big news.

Yesterday our new addition decided to hide in the fireplace. Needless to say when Scott hauled her out she was dirty and dusty! He gave her a shower! I am still in disbelief that he gave a cat a shower and then dried her off with the hair dryer. Scott has since covered up the fireplace opening with the baby gate we had been storing in the garage. Yesterday when I got home she was on the bottom shelf in the bathroom which is where Scott had left her. I left her there when I went to bed and Scott stated that she was still there when he got home and she was still there this morning when I got up. She has also eaten something. We were getting a little worried about that. Scott and Bella are taking her to the vet this afternoon just for a once over. Hopefully things will be fine.

Since Bella was so good at school yesterday she got to play with the cat. She sat on the love seat with Isis in her lap for a whole hour watching Arthur on TV while I worked out. Yes I worked out twice yesterday and once this morning. Go me!

We also walked up to the library last night for story time. Bella was a little wild (she seeems to get that way when Colin is there) and has a hard time leaving baby Brianna alone.

Lets hope today is a good day at school as well. We have swimming lessons tonight.

I have been doing research on what things we might want to do in Seattle and Victoria Island when we head out west in June. They have quite a few light houses, hopefully we will get to see atleast one.

Adoption

This past weekend we adopted a kitten into our family. We got her at Pet Land. She is 9 months old and all black and her name is Isis. Bella was practically squealing as we left the pet store as she was so excited. The poor cat hated the carrier and cried and cried until we took her out. She has been hiding a lot and this morning I found her behind the dryer. I pulled the dryer out and she did come out while I was eating breakfast. Scott called me a little bit ago and She was hiding under the book case. She is really friendly when she comes out and likes to be petted. Hopefully she will adjust to her new environment. Last night we cooked on the grill and ate outside and then I decided it was time to clean out the sandbox as it was fully of slimmy water and leaves. While I was doing that our neighbors behind us dog got out, he is always out. I don't like big dogs so I ran for the house. This dog jump the fence just like he is a deer.

In other news-Saturday I went to an all day scrap and I did 14 pages. I finished our vacation pictures and did the first day of school and some of the Easter pictures too. Next I hope to do T-ball, Ukraine Fest, and Halloween and the apple orchard. After that it will probably be the lighthouse tour, Jennifer and Dan's wedding and Bella's baptism. I have yet to do a christmas page. It is good to have the time to myself.

Bella had 3 smiley faces on Friday! At least the week ended well. Saturday evening grandma came over and watched Bella so Scott and I could go to the movie. We saw "Fools Gold" it was good but fairly predictable.

One of the women I work with at the hospital mother died over the weekend. We knew she was not doing well, but is still sad. This womens heritage is Ukrainian and I actually met her at Ukraine Fest a few years ago. They are asking for donations to the Ukraine Museum instead of flowers. We plan to make a donation.

Back at work today. I got up and did some Tae Bo and we will see how the rest of the week goes.

TGIF

It is Friday and I am so sleepy today.

Yesterday was another day of misbehavior for our princess. She had one smiley face and two sad faces on her note so again no TV. Last night was our first night of T-ball practice. It went really well but it sure tired me out!

Today both bosses are out so I have been working on scanning contracts-very boring work, but someone has to do it and I am way behind in this task.

I did get up and exercise this morning too and I stayed up to watch ER last night so all of that is probably contributing to my sleepyness.

Tomorrow I am going to go to an all day scrap book event and yesterday my SIL sent a few pictures from our trip to Branson so I should be able to finish the vacation book tomorrow. I also plan on taking some other randum pages to work on.

No other real plans for the weekend so we will just see what happens.

Worst day as a mother yet

Last April Bella came down with the flu and honestly I thought that was my worst day of mothering ever (you can check out the post in our adoption blog linked on this blog. However last Saturday was by far a worse day.

Last Friday my niece and god daughter turned 16 and I wanted to get her a special piece of jewelry so Bella and I went to Crimson Ridge. I don't think I have ever taken Bella there because it is an upscale store and they do not have carts. I did put Bella on the harness. I thought she was being really good there and even told her that. what I found out Saturday morning was something else. On Saturday as we were getting ready to go to Ice Skating she fell and hurt herself. As I was comforting her I noticed something in her pocket. I pulled out a pink crystal bracelet and two tubes of lip gloss with crimson ridge price tags. My heart sunk! I was so angry with her. So after Skating we went back to Crimson Ridge and asked for the manager and then she gave them back and apologized and asked them not to call the police. I was so embarassed! As a consequence Bella did not get to go to her friends birthday party. Then Monday when I cleaned out her backpack there was a empty pack of gum with a hobby lobby price tag on it (we had been to the Hobby Lobby Friday too) She said it was from Taylor at school and Scott believes she may be telling the truth but I think she stole that as well. This is frustrating! I am not sure what to do and I am so upset by the whole thing that I cry. I have a sister that is/was a thief and I don't trust her to this day, I certainly don't want a daughter who is a thief. I don't want to take her to any store ever again. I was too afraid to take her to Woodmans Tuesday after swimming which is our normal routine because even in the cart or on the tail she could take something. I hope she learned her lesson but I am not sure. I feel like such a failure and it is not just the stealing but we are experiencing problem after problem at school. Last Thursday on the school field trip to the Library she hit another student. According to Bella the student "budged" in line in front of her. Yesterday her note stated that she was name calling. When I asked her about it she said she told Taylor she was being Rude. Well telling someone they are rude is not really name calling especially if they are being rude. We have taken away TV, We have reduced snacks, taken away her music and lamp at night (she is actually sleeping better without them) We have threatened to take down the swings and put her bike back up. I made her write an apology letter to her teacher. She has to work on workbook pages instead of playing. What can I do to help my child behave at School? How have I failed to instill in her what is right and wrong? How will I ever feel comfortable taking her places again. We still have swimming for the next two months because I paid for it but I plan to take July and August off. She starts T-ball practice tonight, at this point I wish we had not gotten involved with this but I really don't feel I can just pull her out as I am the team coach.

I am frustrated, angry, sad depressed and still fat.

I got up to exercise this morning and I weighted 210.5 I need to keep on this weight loss path. We go on vacation in 6 weeks-which has me stressed out about money. It seems like we have no money to do anything around the house and we need to add to our budget $120/week for summer camp for the months of June, July and August. I honestly don't know how I get throught the day anymore>

One of my goals for April was to always have a clean coffee table, dinning table and sink and counter the whole month and I was able to do that so I am proud of myself for that and as a consequence the whole house stayed neater.

I will try to write more often this month.

Quick Update

Well since it has been 2 weeks since my last post. I thought I would give just a quick update.

-Last week I was out sick two days. I ended up going to the immediate care at the new Northepoint center and it was nice and I got in right away. I didn't have strep throat but they diagnosed me with an upper respiratory infection, these tend to hang on a long time for me. Bella was off school on Tuesday so we played a lot of candy land. I did get her to swim lessons but we decided not to do our regular grocery shopping afterwards and just came home.

-My boss is in Japan for 2 weeks but I still have plenty to do. The new paralegal starts next week. She will be taking over the policy project.

-Bella passed the first level of skating lessons and will start the next session this Saturday. She does seem to enjoy it. I need to take her to open skate sometime so that she can practice. I am just not sure I can still skate.

-This weekend is T-ball sign up. Scott is taking care of that as I will be at an all day scrapbook event.

-We saw the "waterhorse" last weekend and enjoyed it.

-With all the warmer weather and snow melting and rain the garage roof is leaking heavily into Scott's workour space so we will have that roof replaced in the near future.

-Somehow yesterday the babysitter was not there to receive Bella fromt he bus so they returned her to school and called me. I have no idea what actually happened as the babysitter said she was home and was really quite frantic when she did not arrive. Bella said the bus stopped and beeped and beeped but Karshon never came out. Again I don't know what happened exactly but I got her from school and everything is fine.

-I have been watching the biggest loser (wishing I was a bigger loser, in the weight loss area anyway) and I don't really care who wins this time around. None of the contestents are overy likeable. I hope they do a makeover show, because Dan could use it.

-This Sunday my nephew Patrick will be confirmed, we are driving down Sunday with my Aunt Norma. My dad has decided not to come down and I think it stinks!

-This week Brett Farve decided to resign from the NFL and the Packers. It is quite emotional for us Packer fans.

-We are expecting a cold weekend but then it is going to warm up.

-Bella and I are waiting for spring.

-Next week Scott's mom and her husband will return from their winter trip and we will have to contend with them.

-My mom had a birthday this past week and my parents also had their 47th wedding anniversary.

-I got a letter in the mail from my friend Pat, I guess her computer died so we will have to resort to regular mail and the telephone to keep in touch.

-Bella has done well at school this week but she has been a little troublesome at home in not listening and arguing about what you ask her to do. Then when you put her in the corner she wails like you are actually hurting her. Very frustrating, but I am trying hard to instill respect for her parents and the idea that if we ask her to do something she should do it without complaint.

-My sister is sick with strep and stuff so I hope she is feeling better.

-I have not been exercising but have been eating much better. I am really tired these days and trying to get more rest. My goal is to start exercising again on Monday.

Thats all for now. Have a great weekend.

COLD

Well it has been very cold in Northern Illinois. We were in the single digits the first part of the week with windchills in the -20s. It is warming up some which is a good sign. Bella is always asking me when Spring is coming.

I had taken Valentines Day off from work and Scott and I put Bella on the bus to go to school at noon and then went out to lunch at Kikki Bs. It was rather quiet there and the decor and music were relaxing. I had a really wonderful pasta dish and we shared the death by chocolate dessert. After lunch we stopped and got a movie and then went over to Bella's school for their Valentines party. We spoke to her teacher and she said she is very proud of how much better Bella is doing in School and so are we. On the way home from School we heard on the radio the news of the tragic shooting on the NIU campus. I think students will finally be returning to class next week. I use to go to NIU to use the law library when I was in paralegal School. After we got home Bella and I went to the library for a couple of hours. She plays in the play room and I read magazines, we checked out a couple of videos and came home. We had pizza and salad for supper and played a few games of Candyland since that is what Bella got for valentines day. I got flowers and a card and a stuffed dog.

Bella did not have school on Friday so I came home at lunch time and then Bella and I went to Culvers for fish and then on to the Discovery Museum for the rest of the day. While we were there Bella blew a hole in the toe of her shoe so we went to Target to get her a new pair.

Last Saturday Bella and I were suppose to be getting together with some friends in Wisconsin for an overnight but because of predicted bad weather we didn't go. I had really been looking forward to time with P and L. Hopefully we can reshedule soon. Last Saturday Bella and I went to Ice Skating and then to the dollar store for some more paper. In the afternoon I did my house work and then we went to the new Michaels. I bought a new scrapbook tool with my 50% off coupon and the rest of my gift card. Then Bella and I went out to supper and came home.

Sunday it rained almost the entire day and then turned to snow the roads were a mess, because all the rain turned to ice and the city is out of salt for the season and it has really been to cold for it to work anyway. Thankfully Scott made it safely to work and back.

Bella started running a fever on Sunday, she was not complaining about her ears or her throat but I was afraid it was either a ear infection or strep throat. She was off school on Monday for presidents day and still running a fever so Scott took her to the doctor and she has strep throat. On Tuesday she couldn't go to school but sick bay where I work agreed to take her so she went there for the afternoon.
She was feeling better and not feverish so we went to swimming and to woodmans for grocery shopping making it home as usual in time to see the last part of biggest loser.

We have been having a mock Joint commission survey at our facility this past week. The debriefing was Wednesday afternoon and we failed which is not good. We know the joint commission is at one of the other hospitals in town this week so who knows how much or how little time we have to get ourselves staightened out.

Yesterday we had two interviews for the paralegal position we have open. Both were good candidates so I hope they pick one.

Last night I went to Wal-greens to get pictures printed, but they were unable to make a disk which is what I need to put photos on our adoption site, hopefully I will update that soon. We also went to the library last night to get a few books. I checked out one of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books as I am about done with the one I have been reading and I like them but the stories are relatively short so I can read a little before bed, but I am not vested in a whole novel. I use to read a lot but I have not read much in the last few years other than kids books. I tried "The Purpose Driven Life" last year but couldn't finish it. Bella hurt herself at the library by trying to scoot on the step stool which doesn't work because once you put weight on them they don't roll evidently Bella doesn't get this because she tried it once and hurt her stomach and cried up a storm -very loudly at the library. Then when i was checking out books she tried it again and hurt her leg. Then last night in the tub she decided to use the plastic cups from her play blender and hold them around her mouth by sucking in. She did this for so long and for so many times that she now has bruises all around her mouth. It looks terrible! and once again means that we will not have a family picture taken this weekend. I am sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. I know 5 year olds don't think about consequences of their actions all the time. I hope it heals up ok and that she doesn't get teased at school and Scott isn't too hard on her about it.

Scott is off this weekend and we really have no plans as of yet except for Ice Skating lessons on Saturday and we have a cultural event at our adoption Agency on Sunday afternoon.

Have a great weekend!

THE RESULTS ARE IN

Yesterday morning at the hospital where I worked they offered some free health screens. I had wanted to have my glucose checked and my cholesterol so I went. Here are the results:

Cholesterol 253 (should be less than 200)
Glucose 136 (should be between 70-90)
Blood pressure 133/86 (first time I have ever been high-usually I am low)
BMI 38.8 -OBESE (should be between 18.5 amd 24.9)
They weighed me at 205 I weighed myself at 202 this morning.

This is all devistating to me.

I feel way overwhelmed by my health or lack there of.

My husband said that if you continue to lose weight those numbers should get better.

IN OTHER NEWS

This past Saturday we went home to WI for our families annual sledding party. My brother and his son, my other brother, my sister and her family and Scott, Bella and me. We had a nice time sledding on the hill at the High School but it was sure snowing. Our potluck Fondue was fun, I really liked the caramel peanut butter fondue I made. We ended up spending the night and then going out to see my mom at the nursing home on Sunday. The roads were terrible, very icy with drifting blowing snow. Between Dodgeville and Madison we saw lots of cars in the ditch and I never got up to the speed limit the whole time. We stopped for gas, windshield washer and lunch in Madison. Between Madison and Beloit it was also icy on the interstate and again lots of cars in the ditch some even turned over. We did make it home safely. We washed all our clothes as they smelled like smoke from being at my dads. Yesterday we realized that we must have left Bella's snow pants at my dads.

My mom did not really look very well, still very puffy and she looked tired and old. She was sleeping when we got there and then we only stayed a short time and then she went down to lunch. My mom's glucose was over 400 on Sunday.

Not much else to report now that we are back to the work week. I am still on the policy project. I am off on Thursday so I can go out to lunch with Scott.

Have a great day.

TGIF

Well here it is the last day of the work week.

Last weekend was pretty good for us. Bella had Ice Skating on Saturday morning and she is doing so much better at her lessons and she really likes them. Bella was very disappointed that the ground hog saw his shadow and it means 6 more weeks of winter. It was pretty cloudy here so I am surprised he saw his shadow. I did not feel like doing much on Saturday afternoon so I didn't. On Sunday I worked very hard on cleaning our basement so that I would have a spot to work out. Sunday night was the super bowl. We had chicken wings and taco dip and watched the game. We were very happy that the NY Giants won. Which means that the last team to beat the Packers ended up being superbowl champions. I was not overly impressed by the commercials. I did like the Bud commercials. Pepsi's commercial with Justim Timberlake was annoying.

Monday was good except that I found out that summer camp sign up was Monday and not Tuesday like I thought and they were full. I put Bella on the waiting list but it doesn't look good. I am checking into the Y now.

Tuesday was super Tuesday and their was a primary here in IL I did not go to the polls. Obama won in IL which is his home state. I would not vote for him primarily because I don't like his stand on Immigration. Tuesday it started to snow here. They were predicting 12" of snow. They were canceling Tuesday night events right and left. They did not however cancel swim lessons (even thought they canceled the week before because it was so cold and I did not know it until we got there). We started out going the way we usually do and then for some reason we couldn't go any farther. I assume there was and accident although we could not see it. I turned around and wanted to just go home but Bella is whining in the back seat about not having lessons two weeks in a row so I drove down Riverside and we made it fine. There were very few students a class. It was still snowing when we left but not quite a hard so we went ahead and did our usual grocery shopping-we were out of milk so I needed to stop somewhere. We got home in time to see a good portion of the Biggest loser.

Wednesday was a snow day for both Bella and I. I didn't have anything pressing at work to do and I would have only been able to work part of the day as I would have had to come home to watch Bella when Scott left for work. Both the attorneys I work for drive quite a distance so they did not make it in either. I made a pot of Chili and some oatmeal cookies. Scott started the driveway, but the snow blower stopped working and he went to work and left me home to shovel the whole driveway myself. Bella went out with me for awhile and then she got cold and went in. It took me 3 hours to clear the driveway and the sidewalk. While I was outside 2 people got stuck at the corner, the plow went down East Drive 3 times but not down our street at all. Some fool was out riding his bike in the snow and the police came down our street to ticket anyone parked on the street during a snow emergency and the mailman managed to make it to our house. When I got done I went in immediately and took a very hot shower, I was afraid I would be very stiff and sore but I wasn't except that my hands ache. I think it stopped snowing around 6:30 and they plowed our street about 7:30 and plowed a huge pile of snow at the end of the driveway. Scott had to stay late at work because their third shift person called in and they were very busy! Scott got through the snow pile at the end of our driveway when he got home but I got stuck backing out to go to work on Wednesday morning. I think we got about 14" of snow. My MIL called from Hawaii yesterday and left a message that they had heard we had a lot of snow, but since no one was home must have gotten out.

Thursday we were all back to work and school as usual. I was busy at work all day with Policy stuff and our monthly staff meeting. I brought most of the cookies to work and they were gone by lunch time.

Tonight I will get my fondue ready for Saturday and get us packed up so we can go to Wisconsin tomorrow morning for our families annual sledding party. I also made our summer vacation plans for August in Northern Wisconsin this week so I am excited about that.

I did not exercise at all this week. I am so lazy-I expect that I burned up a lot of calories shoveling right? I haven't been weighing myself as my husband bought a new scale but he can't figure out how to make it work and he threw out the old one. I really don't need a scale to tell me percent body fat I just want to know how much I weigh.

The new Michaels store is opening near me this weekend and they are giving away a cricut machine. I really want one of these but can't afford one. Maybe I will get lucky.

Have a great weekend!

A NEW DAY

Here in Northern Illinois we woke up to several more inches of snowy white this morning, not enough to cancel school however. Its pretty and it is warmer here-26 degrees. Earlier this week we had wind chills that put us 35 degrees below zero so this is a heat wave. I don’t really mind the snow so much, I don’t like to drive in that much especially after Bella and I ended up in the ditch a couple years ago. What does bug me are people who don’t clean the snow off their cars. Here they are driving down the road with 5” of new snow on the car roof, hood and trunk, if you are lucky they have cleaned off the windshield and back window, but sometimes they have just cleared off a patch. How can these people see? How can that be safe? The snow on their car is now blowing off on to mine.

Speaking of safety yesterday driving to work I noticed that the lady in the front passenger side of the vehicle next to me was breast feeding. Babies in vehicles need to be secured in a car seat! It is the law! Can you imagine what would have happened if that vehicle had been in an accident? I don’t understand people who don’t care for their children more than that.

Today is WEAR RED DAY-Are you wearing red?-I am. This is sponsored by the American Heart Association to help raise women’s awareness of cardiovascular disease and empower women to reduce their risk.

Tomorrow is Ground Hog’s Day. Bella has been learning about this in kindergarten. She will tell you she is excited about Ground Hogs Day and doesn’t want him to see his shadow because that will mean spring is on the way. I asked her what was so great about spring and she said you can wear short sleeved shirts and short sleeved pants. She is so funny. They are having a Ground Hog Day ceremony at Klehm Arboretum tomorrow but it is at 10:45 and we don’t get done with Ice Skating until 10:30 so we could not make it.

I have a CD that has 100 reasons to lose 100 pounds. Reason #1 To Feel Good About yourself. I don’t feel really good about myself knowing how overweight I am, how hard it is to find clothes that look good and never wanting to put on a bathing suit.

I plan to list one of these reasons pretty regularly so check back to see.

Yesterday when I was talking about my health issues I forgot to mention one other thing and that is that I have the driest skin this side of the Mississippi! Last night I just itched everywhere. The amount of skin I have to cove all my fat is so much that I cannot imagine putting on enough lotion so I don’t.

Finally from my Focus Your Day-Talks about not being alone in your problems. I am sure that I am not alone as an obese, lack of energy, dry skin, incontinence, heart burn lack of faith person, but I sure wish I knew someone who was too.