JANUARY

Well here it is the last day of January and this is only my fourth post for the month. I have lots to say as always but not ambition to do it. This blog is supposed to chronicle my struggles with the scale and I guess I am not blogging about it because I have pretty much refused to struggle with the scale this month.

I know, I know NEW YEAR, NEW YOU and all that but I am not a New Me I am the same old fat girl I was last year with the same old hand ups, excuses and lack of ambition.

No, I have not ignored my scale this month and in fact I am down to 201 pounds-How I am not sure, but I long to be below 200 pounds!

We have some fitness equipment at the hospital where I work and I cost $15 per month to use it. I thought I would sign up for that and do the treadmill for 30 minutes on my lunch. My work out bag has been sitting under my desk for at least 2 weeks and I have not been down there to even sign up yet.

I have been doing the slim fast shakes for breakfast and lunch and it is going ok except I do eat a regular lunch or a bowl a cereal for breakfast one in awhile. It is not so much that I get hungry it is more that I want to eat something. We will see if I can refocus that effort in February.

I have not been working out with Billy despite the fact that I got the new DVDs I wanted for Christmas. I usually exercise on the sun porch but it has just been too cold! It is hard to roll out of a nice warm bed to exercise in a deep freeze. I could exercise in my basement if I could just clear away some of the Crap! But I am sure not motivated to do that either. I have worked down there some but it is a real mess. I have lots of stuff I don’t know what to do with. I probably should just junk it all.

Ultimately it is not only about the number on the scale for me. I really do not feel well most days and I think it is related to being obese. I have had quite a few problems with heartburn or acid reflux. Both of which my doctor tells me would get better if I lost weight. I did take prilosec OTC for the 2 weeks around the Holidays and it was nice to have that daily problem. Since then it has not been nearly as bad as before.

I also have a cough that has been hanging around for a year or so. My family and friends always comment on it. I think it is much better these days. I know it is better when I have less heart burn. No, it is not bronchitis.

I have a slight incontinence problem as well usually when I sneeze or cough hard. It is really annoying. My husband thinks it is funny-HA –HA. They tell me this too will probably get better if I lost weight.

Additionally I do not know what is up with my period. It is still pretty regular but the cramps and headache that accompany it seem to be getting worse. This whole thing is really annoying, I call my period the “Grand Illusionist” because all my life it comes regularly giving the Illusion that you could get pregnant when in reality we know in my case that is not true. Although it was never definitely determined why we could not conceive their best guess is advanced maternal age which translates to me being Too OLD!

I am tired, or maybe lazy or both. I just do not feel like doing much except watch TV at night. I do get Bella to story time and Swim lessons and I am still doing the grocery shopping and housework etc (please note that my husband does a lot to help me with these things).

Am I stressed? Well maybe a little, work is going pretty well and Scott and I are getting along better, my mother-in-law is in Hawaii for a month, but I am still worried about my daughter’s behavior at school, wondering what I did wrong and what I can do to rectify the situation. I have lost touch with one of my friends and am afraid it will happen to other friends. Our family’s annual sledding party has not happened because we can’t see to set a date and when I spoke to my sister S about it she said none of the proposed dates worked for her family but it “didn’t matter” well it does matter. We started this annual event in 2001 and have had one every year. Part of the reason we started it is that we knew as we all got older and had families of our own we would not always be able to get together at Christmas (and we don’t) we would have this event so we could all be together. So it does matter and S did not even respond to the email that those dates didn’t work I only know because I called her. Last year we had it but my brother D and his family bailed out at the last very rude minute and now S says it doesn’t matter. I want Bella to have memories of this event like all my siblings kids do. Bella is the youngest Grand child my parents have and now that they have Great-grand kids they could care less about Bella and it pisses me off. So while it is normally my job, spouse or MIL that stress me out now it is friends and family and I just can’t deal with the rejection I feel from these sources.

Finally to top it all off I don’t know where I am on my faith journey, in fact I am more sure that the journey has stopped and I don’t know how to start it again or even if I should.

All in all I know the problems I face daily are probably minimal in comparison with what some others deal with, but they sure seem insurmountable to me today.

Here is to a better February and the hope of spring!

Can't cope

Did you ever have one of those days where you felt you just couldn't cope. It is one of those days for me and it is way more than the Packers losing there super Bowl bid by a field goal in overtime.

TWO THINGS

I have a couple of things I wanted to get out.

One: My girlfriend Julie is missing! Our Christmas card to her this year was returned as undeliverable. I then tried her phone number and it was not in service. She use to work at the Lands' End State Street store so I called there and they said she hasn't worked there for a couple of years. What happened to her? This is really bothering me as I feel it is my fault for not keeping in touch. I met Julie when we both worked in the sample room at Lands' End. We hit it off and would go to movies, out to eat shopping etc. She is a divorced, very opinionated, animal lover. She was never one to call you to do anything but usually game to go if you invited her. I enjoyed her company. I don't really think she thought I should marry Scott and not that she did not like him, but that marriage was not for her and therefore it should not be for me. Then I did something even worse I adopted a child. Julie was never overly fond of Kids. She met Bella once. I feel guilty because I think that I should have made more of an effort to stay in touch. I afterall am the one who left Lands' End and moved to another state. I miss my friends in Wisconsin a lot. I do see Lorretta and Pat but not a lot of the other girls I was friends with. I could have called or written more or even visited. I am at a lost on how to track her down-who knew I knew so little about her. I don't know if Anderson is her married or maiden name. Her mom was in a nursing home in Madison, but since Julie quit her job and moved it has me thinking that her mom died, or maybe they moved somewhere together. She had a brother but I can't remember where he lived. I am just frustrated and sad and sure I will never be in touch again.

Two: Scott's sister-in-law Vikki breast feeds their daughter Gabrielle, (she breast fed all 3 girls) Bella knows this, she is observent so last night Bella had her baby doll tucked up under her shirt, telling me she was "giving my baby milk from my boob". She has it right, some babies nurse some babies are bottle fed. I explained to her that she was right but that it was inappropriate to play that way. Also on this subject Bella and I went to the Starving Artist Show this past weekend to look at paintings. They had one painting that was of a woman with one of her breasts exposed. Bella looked at the painting and turned to me and said "Thats inappropriate, right mom" I thought the guy working the show was going to die laughing.

such is my life I am mourning the loss of my missing friend and trying to navigate the waters of motherhood. No wonder I am so tired.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well we are almost to the middle of January already and this is my first post in 2008. I find myself with a lot to say and no time to really write. I did get the new Tae bo workout tapes I wanted for Christmas but due to all the excuses I have ( I won't go into detail) I haven't tried them. I planned to do it this morning but set the alarm for PM insead of AM so I did not get up in time. I did NOT reach my goal of being less than 200 pounds by the end of 2007. I got down to 204.5 which is better than 213.5 which is where I was on October 1st. I have made great strides in keeping my house cleaner the past 2 weeks, as this was another goal for 2008. The hard part is harping on Scott and Bella to pick up after themselves. If we picked up and put away on a continous bases the house is not messy and last Thursday I swept and mopped and vaccumed the whole house top to bottom in about 45 min. I am getting this into a routine. I sure feel better when the house is clean and I feel more motivated to do other things like scrapbook or read or enjoy a bubble bath.

At work the new employee did not show up and when we finally got a hold of her she stated that she sent us a letter saying she was not coming but we never got it. We are back to the drawing board on this and until then the policy project continues to be mine. Yeah!

The best news of course is that the Packers one their playoff game Saturday and Dallas lost which means the Packers need to beat the Giants in Green Bay to make it to the Super Bowl. Go Green Bay!!!

COOKIES

I sure do like those Christmas Cookies, sugar
I sure do like those Christmas Cookies, babe
The ones that look like Santa Claus
Christmas trees, and bells and stars
I sure do like those Christmas Cookies, babe

"Christmas Cookies" by George Strait

Bella and I have made two batches of Christmas Cookies. My husband says we do not need cookies. We may not need cookies but we need to make some in order for it to feel like Christmas.

When I was a kid I remember making a lot of Christmas cut out cookies. But this experience with Bella has made me realize that this is not a memory from when I was 5, and here is why I know this. When I was 5, my older brother was 6, and after me there was a 4 year old, a 3 year old and a baby. So even contemplating making cut out cookies with this group was insane. These cookie memories are from when I was much older. I also in retrospect don't remember the baking of the cookies as much as the decorating the cookies with various colors of frosting and sprinkles galore. I think I have always been a purist when decorating cookies in that trees are green even if you have other frosting color choices. Snowmen were white, stars were yellow, you get the picture. Bella at five did help me roll the dough-this is hard for a kid but I must have done it sometimes as I know how to do it today and we used my Grandma S's rolling pin. Bella however frustrated me when she did not take note of cookie cutter placement, she would cut right out of the middle and leave lots of space between cut outs so we had to roll out the dough more. We got them cut out and baked. I like my Christmas cut outs thin and crispy. Later I frosted them, one shape at a time so that we did all the trees then all the bells etc. Bella put the sprinkles on. She really did quite well making cookies and I hope we get to do them every Christmas and she has fond memories of it even if we don't "need" cookies!

On the exercise front I have had to take some days off and do only partial workouts because my knee and back have been bothering me. I am back on schedule now. But worried about losing 5 more pounds by the end of the year. We will see.

I find myself in a general state of irritation lately and it is not due to preparations for Christmas it is more to do with dealing with my MIL. My MIL and her husband (who I can't stand) leave for warmer parts in Jan, Feb and March which means that we don't see them for that period of time (sheer bliss in many ways) however since they won't see us for three months they want to see us all the time in December. It drives me Crazy! If we go to the museum they want to go to, it we go see Santa they want to go to, they want to go to swimming lessons and church with us. Christmas for me growing up was about my immediate family, my parents and my siblings. That is what I want now-quiet time with just me, Scott and Bella. My MIL doesn't like this. I also want my family to be mine. My MIL has taken to sending Christmas Cards to my sisters and it bugs the piss out of me. This is my family not hers. Today she is attending a visitation for her nephews wife's brother, because she wants to be supportive. Yet, when her mother died a year ago in January and they were on their winter vacation she did not even come home. She did not feel the need to be supportive of Scott and I as we took care of the arrangements for her own mother.

Scott and I are a mixed religion family. I grew up Methodist and converted to Catholicisms in grad School. Scott started out in the Brethren Church and then do to some incident with his mom they changed to the Lutheran church. We typically attend Catholic Mass. Scott is not entirely comfortable there and they don't have some of the support groups, marriage, parent, men's, bible study etc that we feel we need. I love the rituals of Catholicism but I have had a hard time of late getting much out of it. The messages they preach do not relate to me or the scriptures and we hear way too much on political and financial issues. So we are kind of looking for a new church home. In the end we may not change at all but we are currently looking at the options. Last Sunday and Last night(with my MIL tagging along) we attended the Heartland Church in Rockford. This is a very different, very contemporary church. They have church school for Bella which means Scott and I can go to church and participate and hear with out the distractions of our darling daughter who has problems sitting still and being quiet. The pastor is a good speaker, his message relates to life and the scriptures, but I am not sure I can get past the casual dress. The music is too contemporary and too loud for me. Traditional Hymns should sound like traditional hymns. The seating is auditorium style there are huge projection screens. There are no candles, no kneelers, no Lords Prayer, no hymnals or bibles, no religious icons and they let you drink coffee during the service. I miss what is tradition. I think we will go here a few more times but I don't think it is the place for us. It is a huge congregation but they have lots of retreats and study groups etc, which is one of the things we were really looking for. We will see.

I am off work all next week-home with Isabella who is off from School. Hopefully we will get to do some fun stuff. While we will be busy Christmas Eve with Scott's family in Belvidere and at Scott's moms on Christmas Day we have no plans for New Years Eve or New Years day. Scott's brother and his family will be here from TX so hopefully we will spend some time with them.

I am hoping to get some things done around the house as well so I can start 2008 with a clean organized house.

Have a great holiday.

SNOW

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS

Well last night we had our third snow fall in 6 days so I am hoping for a white Christmas. I grew up in Wisconsin, There is suppose to be snow on the ground come December 25th.

I remember when I was a child that not having snow for Christmas would put us into somewhat of a panic. After all how was Santa going to land his sleigh without snow? Sleighs have runners they are supposed to be on snow. Incidentally I never gave much thought to the fact that a large portion of the world does not have snow. I remember Christmas without snow just a brown, barren cold landscape or one year an ice coated surrounding. There have even been Christmases where it wasn’t even all that cold. I’m sure these Christmases were disappointing to me. Nothing puts me in the Christmas spirit more than drifts and flurries and flocked trees.

I spent two Christmases in Africa as a Peace Corps volunteer and no those Christmases were not white, but they were very different in lots of other ways as well. My first Christmas away I spent in the capital and went to the beach. My second Christmas I spent in my village. I showed my neighbor kids how to cut snowflakes and we made paper chains from Newsweek international until we ran out of glue. I remember that I could not get any eggs in my village the week of Christmas and had to go all the way to the next village. My mom always made cinnamon rolls for both Christmas morning and Easter morning so I made a batch of those, they didn’t raise very well as you never knew how good the yeast would be. My neighbors thought they were terrific! Christmas Eve that year fell on a Sunday and I had gone to church that Sunday morning and really nothing about the church was different than any other Sunday. I was still the only white girl; people behind me still petted my hair, etc. That evening when I went to Christmas Eve Mass there was a breathtakingly beautiful Nativity set up in the front of the Church. Here in the US on Christmas Eve we light candles and dim the lights during silent night. That was not necessary as the church in my village had no electricity and the aisles were lit by kerosene lamps parishioners had brought with the. Silent Night in English or in French is beautiful and meaningful. The church in my village also did not have any glass in the windows so bats where swooping in and out during the service. Perhaps bats swooped in to look at the Christ Child too all those years ago in Bethlehem. Yes I was away from my family and all the commercialism of Christmas, there was no white Christmas, there was no tree, no lights and yet it remains one of my most memorable Christmases ever.

Her is hoping all your Christmas are white or at least memorable.

HAPPY ST NICHOLAS DAY!!!

Today is St. Nicholas Day. We had Bella put out the little Ukraine shoes she came home in and we put staw in them for St. Nicholas' horse. This morning she has a candy cane, some chocolate gold coins and a santa ornament. She is also getting a small nativity of her own. Hopefully she will leave mine alone. I left out her little tree and the box of Ukrainian ornaments.

Our little princess is having a very hard time a school. Her teacher called me at work the other day to report that Bella had said a bad word "dammit". The teacher did not hear her say it but the other kids did. She is being disruptive by talking and getting out of her seat. The teacher said she is smart and knows the rules and consequences but she continues to "make poor chooices". Her teacher stated that Time outs do not work with Bella. I was also told that things are worse when she is with Alida, another child in her class. We are now on the daily note thing. I feel bad for Bella and I feel like I somehow failed her. I did ask the teacher if she felt we were at the point of changing classrooms or even schools and she said no. The teacher asked how she was at home but she is an only child so she is only interacting with adults at home. She does go to story time and swim lessons, and honestly there are times when she doesn't listen or sit still at story time. I however am at a real loss of what to do. When the note home is Un-happy faces there will be no TV. We will work instead on worksheets trying to get Bella to focus on a task, sit still and not talk. We will see how it goes. The teacher did not have any suggestions for us. I am a little disappointed by this in that she has been teaching kindergarten for years and I have only been a mom for four years so you would think that she might have some suggestion. We sure hope we can find a way to help her. We do ask her to not sit or play with Alida, but I don't like doing that.

I am still exercising regularly. I did start a new Tae bo tape on the first and I like this one as it has some different routines. When I was out shopping last Saturday I found the Tae Bo ammped set at Lines and Things and I asked for that for Christmas. I also asked for a new purse and some new towels for my downstairs bathroom. I think I will have to get the basement organized so there is space to exercise down there as the sun porch is getting very very cold.

Yesterday Scott went shopping and got Bella's present from Santa. She is getting a doll house. I think she will love it!

We have our tree up and some of the other decorations, I will try to get the rest this weekend. This weekend is the Holiday Traditions at Midway Village. Bella and I plan to go. Sunday is Cookie day at my brothers. I hope the weather stays good or else I am not going.

Last weekend we had snow here. It started out as nice fluffy snow but then turned to slop and rain. We went to Tinker Swiss Cottage for the Christmas Event but all we got was a tour, It was pretty. After the museum we went to lunch at Granite City which is a new place here. It was actually nice. This is the first time we have really taken Bella out to eat since the incident in October. We plan on going out this coming Monday as well for Scott's Birthday.

Happy belated 40th birthday to my sister. I hope the next 40 are terrific!

Joan